Sunday, November 13, 2011

Time Bomb

Not characteristic of me to be serious on this blog, but I felt the need to present the world with the mother of all rants, so bear with me. Perhaps taking it out on my keyboard is what I need to get back to being Little Miss Glib again.

I'm in one of those all-too-frequent (as of late) situations where I just might kill someone any minute, or start googling for nice noose designs. If one is feeling suicidal, the least one can do is go fashionably, noh?

Thing is, I have issues. (do I hear a loud and resounding 'duh'?)

Daddy issues, to be more precise. A few close friends in my tight little circle know what I'm on about, but I thought it was high time I proclaimed my problems to the world. As if you hadn't heard enough of them already.

Alright, I'll get to the point.

My parents give me a hard time about my boyfriend.

I can almost hear you sniggering about how this is not an uncommon problem. Shut up for a moment and listen, before you scoff your way to timbuktoo.

I'm 32. This has been going on for 8 years. It has driven me to want to take my life.

Ah. See? Not laughing any more, are you?

I don't know how they became this monsterous. I can't remember how, when or WHY it happened. They're both what you might call the 'cool' sort with their own dubious relationship history that warrants an entire book which Spielberg would consider worthy of cinematizing.
Somehow, when it comes to my love life and in particular the current man in my life, it's like we're suddenly living in Saudi Arabia.

It's one thing to strop on the Asian daughter shackles onto a teenage girl who doesn't know better than to lust after a career in porn. It's a complete other to go Mullah on a 32-year old professional woman with a superior feminist complex. I mean... do I LOOK like an impressionable twat?

For those of you who haven't seen me, the answer is- no, I do not. I'm quite prude and scary in a fair, fat way.

The good fellow I'm dating is one of the nicest, most down to earth, sensitive blokes I know. All my friends, in fact, feel sorry for him, having found him latched onto me. Compared to the imbeciles I've been with in the past, this one is a complete jackpot in the chivalrous, respectful and sweet department. So you can imagine how maddening it is when my Father takes it upon himself to spew utter rubbish about the poor man to anyone and everyone he meets. In the last 8 years, this wonderful, wonderful, long suffering bloke has been subjected to the vilest harrasment possible, with rumours about his character being spread to the far ends of the earth by none other than my precious parents. They've managed to concoct filth about him being a shady drug pusher, an addict, a two-bit unemployable johnny who is apparently sponging off me, a criminal and a whole host of lovely labels that I do not care to detail out here.

I put up with it through the first two years of dating, assuming it was the natural order of things with Sri Lankan parents. But when the two years stretched to 8 and in the interim they started pulling out all stops in the nasty department for no known reason, it started to get on my last nerve. And it's a very fragile nerve, that one.

I can deal with them nagging at me about the state of my room, my hair and my hemline. What I cannot stand is them taking liberties to play with another person's life and reputation when they have no right to. It can be my boyfriend or someone else's next door neighbour, I don't care; there are some levels to which one does not stoop. They put this poor chap through hell for just existing. Not only have they created absurdities about him, but also blame him for every thing I do that has nothing to do with him, too. Every single action of mine is directly co-related to his evil influence on me.

For fuck's sake.

Two years back dearly beloved's mother passed away after a battle with cancer. You'd think the decent thing to do would be to at least put aside your prejudices for a single day and attend your daughter's boyfriend's mother's funeral. But no, they chose to bastardize that too, spreading ugly stories about his family and getting pissy at members of my extended family who chose to attend the funeral. So much for me expecting them to come around in times of tragedy.

Before you impart advice on how to deal with this situation, trust me, I have. I have done everything possible, from trying to speak with my parents (letters, e-mails, direct conversations both nice and not-so-nice) to seeking intervention from the family priest in the hopes that my dad would at least listen to a man of the Lord. But apparently, even the Lord's servant has been adversely influenced by the demon that is my boyfriend. The Boyfriend's tried addressing the issue with my parents himself too, but to no avail. Not only have they point blank refused to meet with him even ONCE in the last 8 years to at least see what his face looks like before they form opinions about his character, but every other attempt he and his family have made to break the ice have been met with nothing but the most cruel responses.

I just do not get it.

To add insult to injury, my parents go out of their way to rub it into me as to how this treatment is specially saved just for my relationship and no other. My brother, for example, has recently procured himself a girlfriend who they can't get enough of. Myyyyy... you should see the way they fall over themselves cooking dinners for her and going to tea parties with her family. It's great that the poor child has not been subjected to any hassle, but I just cannot find it in myself to sit comfortably and play happy families when any of this unbelievable fawning goes on. It will take some time for me to adjust to how my mother, who after years of prudely opining that a girl going to boy's house is the next best thing to a cheap Thai hooker (in reference to me visiting my boyfriend in broad daylight), is suddenly beside herself with joy when my brother's girlfriend pops over at night and stays long after dinner up in HIS BEDROOM.

Look, I know this all sounds like your typical girly rant about daddy-Vs.-darling issues, but the thing is, come on, noh? I'm 32, goddamit. At some point of time you have to trust me with making my own goddamn decisions in this world. It's not like I'm even close to the TYPE of woman who'd fall for a drug-pushing spongebob. Nothing about me or my history indicates that I can't make a responsible (if not overtly paranoid) decision. Furthermore, the boyfriend himself has been nothing but an absolute showcase of ethics and maturity throughout all these years, not once putting a foot wrong and proving my father correct in any of his accusations. He's even been unrealistically patient with all this, when he has had enough reason to lodge a complaint against my parents for harassment and causing emotional harm. in fact, I've advised him several times to do just that- take my dad to courts for the vicious slander, but he refuses, sitting in the hopes that they will like him someday. Not happening, dude.

If you, like many others have, are thinking of advising me to move out of home and start controlling my own life, then I'm sorry but I've been there and bought the t-shirt already. four years ago I did take my life into my own hands and found a nice little place almost two doors down from my parent's home. And like all good, decent, broad-minded fathers do, mine decided to have chest pains and be rushed to the hospital as a result of the 'stress I was causing him by slapping him the face with my move'. My mother, the doctor and the rest of the world accused me of trying to kill my father.

And so ended the move, as well as the part of me that thus far thought I could ever be independant.

Sigh. So now what do I do? Every day just gets harder to cope. Boy is very nice to have stuck around this long after all this shit being meted out to him, but there's just so much he can do without causing further drama. He sits and twiddles his thumbs as we speak.

I, on the other hand, will explode any moment now. Can you hear the ticking?


cj said...

Oh DQ what a sad situation to be honest I never thought you had this kind of fickle trouble bothering you. But I am so glad to hear your BF is doing so well at handling this situation. Extremely unusual for the typical Sri Lankan male I must confess. But hats off to him for practicing what the good book preaches: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

Dee said...

hmmh... I hope the writing cheered you up, even a tad if possible. good thoughts coming your way. xo

Riddler said...

You have three options
1. Put your personal stubbornness aside and get married (That might have the same effect as moving out though...)

2. Leave the country (Say for work, so the heart attack is avoided)

3. Gradually wean yourself from being at home for longer and longer periods of time until you're no longer an active presence, all the while discreetly setting up shop somewhere else.... one day.... BOOM. You're out, and no one ever knew.

dramaqueen said...

Thanks CJ and Dee.

CJ- the burning coals just keep getting flung at my poor boyfriend, though...

Riddler - have been thinking and acting along those lines for some time now... no success. It's not like I can just hop abroad and hope for a janitorial job... it's really hard to find financial security in a different country in my line of work, because the industry and skill in this country are not considered good enough by most. I'm not award-winning talent to be plucked up like that.

And NO to marriage! What a way to run away from a problem! :P

GG said...

oh dear! that sounds like living hell.
One thing that's clear through all of it is that he's definitely a worthy boyfriend to have! You are really lucky in that department.
And don't undermine your talents. I've lived in Australia for a while and i know quite a number of people who thrive there with just a fraction of your abilities!

Scrumps said...

Oh man. That sucks. I can't even imagine what you're going through and I have no words of wisdom to offer (my comments usually are of no value - apologies!). Though it's a harsh reality, at some stage in your life, your bf will be the only person in your life you can count on and if he's stuck by you through what sounds like a load of shit - he's definitely a good guy. I can't say ignore your parents because that would be a difficult task but give it a good shot!

Jack Point said...

Good heavens I thought you were already married.

Trying to understand why they dislike him would be a start?

Is it his job that is the problem? Or his family background?

Do any of your close friends disapprove? If so do they tell you why?

See also links below that may offer some clues to their attitude

dramaqueen said...

Jack Point-

As far as I know, all of my friends love him to bits... more than they do me. And they keep telling me that, too. in fact, most of them even wrote to my dad vouching for his character in the hopes that they could help the situation.

From my parent's perspectives, My mother says we're 'intellectually incompatible', though God knows what she's on about when she's never had a conversation with him. Despite the BF's decent job, financial stability, christian background and squeaky clean character, my father INSISTS that he is a drug dealer, unemployed, living off me, from a broken family, etc., etc. He also INSISTS that I have lost all my friends and respect in society because of my dealings with this 'spineless evil worm', when I don't have a single clue as to which friend I have allegedly lost. You have no idea how twisted it all is.

And his proof? That 'somebody told him' 8 years ago. 'Somebody' who apparently has earned my father's trust more than I, my entire extended family, all my friends and the family priest have.

You'd think there was some sort of mental illness running around...

Jack Point said...

Hmm sounds bad.

Is mother more amenable?

Perhaps she could meet him 'accidentally' and get to know him a bit?

Or is there some other close friend of your pater's who might be able to issue the relevant character certificate? Someone who judgement he trusts?

I once knew a girl whose mother was an absolute horror, all boys used to dread going anywhere near the house or even trying to call. She suddenly became very friendly and sweet towards me.

I later managed to put two and two together, some aunt had spoken well of me and that resulted in a complete change in attitude.

dramaqueen said...

Mother refuses to see the light or defy Father.

Not one, but many have approached father with character certificates- including uncles, aunts, grandparents, cousins, his friends and a priest. He fought with his own mother for attending my boyfriend's mum's funeral.


So you see, this is a bit of a nightmare situation. one that I thought I could deal with after all this time, but apparently I have no control over myself anymore either.

Aney manda.

But thanks all, for the support. It helps.

GG said...

That's really sad.
I know of a guy who was going out with this girl. The girl's parents were dead against the guy for no real reason, and told her to go get married on condition that she will no longer be their daughter. The guy's family is quite nice, so they went ahead and had a very modest wedding. Turned out the girl's parents were stingy to pay for a wedding!
Later they had a child, and as with most SL parents, this made the girl's parents go all gooey and want to rekindle the relationship with the daughter. So they arranged to come see their daughter and grandchild one day. Just the day before they were in a car accident which claimed both the girl's parents lives.
It's just a story that I know to be true, thought I'd share with you. I wish people would realize that life is too short to waste on grudges and petty nonsense.

Gehan said...

So you're saying that there is no one that your parents would listen to? Not even family members? Perhaps an aunt or uncle, or someone who they would respect?

If that's the case, then that's a horrible situation to be in, and clearly your parents have some either psychological or, I hesitate to say, mental problem in this area.

You mentioned that he is, by all accounts, an upstanding person from a respectable family and common religious background too, so I'm really scratching my head over this. Perhaps you need to try moving out again, and this time not just two doors down.

What about your brother? How does he view this?

dramaqueen said...

My brother and I don't involve ourselves too much in each others' lives. He has no opinion or perspective on the matter and I'd rather keep it that way, considering his strong allegiances and constant need to please my father.

As for the psychological illness... you THINK? I'm not proud about bitching about my parents, because end of the day i do love them to bits and think they're awesome on many accounts... except this one. Whilst i know fully well that it's not cool to badmouth one's family on a public forum, I just cannot keep this to myself anymore because it affects me too much now. The blogging and venting help.

One thing's a given - Whoever convinced my father 8 years ago that my boyfriend is Satan reincarnated will, I promise you, experience the worst suffering when I find him/her out.

thekillromeoproject said...

I personally would give them an ultimatum that has a deadline. Either they accept their wrong in their opinion of him or I move out.

And to hell with the false chest pains, 8 years should mean more than that!

Anonymous said...

i know of a lot of these situations. Two of my friends in this kind of situations got married(their parents didn`t come for the wedding).And my other friend who doesn`t want to get married goes abroad for months and her guy goes with her.When they come back they meet as usual.and they both will keep seeing each other as they like(regardless of parents opposition).
If you do indeed need your parents approval you need to plan a major mental manipulation scheme.
p.s. I know how freakin annoying it is when parents go ga ga over your brother`s girlfriend (in my case my sis-in-law who happens to be the daughter sent from heaven).

bingo said...

good lord drama queen!!!!!! this is really drama man!!!!!( after reading this I could not stop muttering WTF)anyways I am no one to give you advice but here's a huge kiss wishing you GOOD LUCK!!!!

T said...

Fathers. Who can fathom em? Currently having endless problems with mine so I sympathize wholeheartedly. Good luck!

ps. I've seen your boyfriend and he is totally cute!

Rhythmic Diaspora said...

Perhaps this might work for you DQ: sit with them and tell them how much you love them, adore them etc. Then explain how much of a problem this situation is and say that, the way you see it, is that they don't necessarily have to like your BF, no matter that you think their reasoning is wrong and unfair.

But, you are their daughter and you would like them to respect your choice, because you like / love him. Tell them that it pains you that they are so disapproving of him but you can accept that, you merely want them to accept that your mind is different to those of your parents and that you're happy with him.

I'm not sure if this will work, but perhaps it's worth a go. One of my views on parenthood is that I give my advice to my girls and they choose whether or not to take it. If things go wrong, whether they followed my advice or not, then I'll be there to help them.


dramaqueen said...

Thanks RD, but I've already tried all this several times. Unfortunately, my dad's nothing like you.

Gutterflower said...

Oh dude. This sounds horrible. No advice on my side - everything that needs to be said has already been said so far. I remember meeting the Doc at LD's and he was very, very nice. I'm just sorry that your parents can't see that.

Huge hugs headed your way.

Anonymous said...

Sri Lankan women have issues when it comes to making a choice between their family and partner.

Suggest you take drastic steps, but do so very gradually making the steps very long drawn. This might lead to final actions having a lesser impact.

Sometimes if you don't make the tough call you will regret the rest of your existance. But I must agree this is a really tough one. I wish you every bit of luck on offer...