tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16317255283221717312024-03-05T17:44:01.495-08:00HissyfitsThe workings of a dirty little mind.dramaqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140014490372934069noreply@blogger.comBlogger133125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1631725528322171731.post-80163595410755880552016-08-07T22:57:00.002-07:002016-08-07T22:57:43.668-07:00For EvePublish last year on International Women's Day -<br />
<br />
For Eve <br /> -------------<br /> To the little girl who dreams of castles and knights,<br /> Dream, but also learn to ride your own horse<br /> And build your own palace<br /> To the girl who watches her mother dressing up<br /> Try out her lipstick, but also her grace<span class="text_exposed_show"><br /> Her sari is not as beautiful as the patience she wears <br /> Her shoes will always be too big to be filled<br /> To the mother whose little girl is always watching<br /> Remember, she’s always watching<br /> Empower her, raise her, and never belittle her dreams<br /> Or let her think that your little boy means more<br /> To the mother who is ‘only a mother’<br /> You nurture the future; a task beyond human strength<br /> You earn everyday – not money, but merit<br /> To the empowered career woman<br /> Celebrate your independence<br /> But never belittle the woman who stays home<br /> For she has done what you have not<br /> To the teenager testing her wings in the world<br /> Proceed cautiously, learn to say no<br /> Pursue your passions, but not at the expense of your soul<br /> To the woman who loves to flaunt <br /> Let them behold your splendid body<br /> But never scoff at the woman who chooses<br /> to cover hers out of reverence<br /> To the woman who wants to change her body<br /> You are already perfect<br /> The only thing you lack is self-love<br /> To the woman who embraces every joy in life<br /> May you be infectious in spreading your light<br /> To the woman who suffers in silence,<br /> Turn to the woman who will be your voice<br /> For we are sisters <br /> A shining web of strength<br /> that breaks only when we break each other<br /> This is my prayer<br /> For the woman I see every day<br /> For the woman I have yet to meet<br /> For the woman I may never meet<br /> May you be confident in the knowledge that<br /> Within you is the power to change the world.<br /> - Shanuki</span><br />
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dramaqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140014490372934069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1631725528322171731.post-23313606479117755782016-08-04T02:07:00.004-07:002016-08-04T02:13:26.496-07:00Sri Lanka and the Single Woman<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<i> Published in the 'LMD Living' in February 2016-</i></div>
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<br /></div>
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Ah, now <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">there’s</i> a
topic of conversation that has mothers and aunties nationwide foaming in the
mouth…</div>
<br />
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There are two guaranteed moments in any family function; one
being when old Uncle Simon has a little too much arrack and reveals his innermost
thoughts on his new secretary, in front of his wife. The other is when the
entire room freezes in pin drop silence when any female over 18 claims that she
is still unmarried. If the brave woman chooses to take a further brazen step and
say she also lives alone, you’re bound to witness a few seizures and coronaries
around you. Only drunken Uncle Simon will smile in delight. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If being single in your 20’s isn’t a sure sign
of wantonness, imagine the perception of someone who is close to middle-aged and unmarried.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> (cue a hurried sign of the cross) </span><br />
</div>
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One can never be sure what the greater phenomenon is– Sri
Lankan girls remaining voluntarily single past the legal age of consent, or
society’s adamant refusal to accept the fact that it IS actually normal. It is quite possible that “So
when are you going to get married?” is leading in the list of common local
phrases, next to “Time for a baby, no?” on the National None-Of-Your-Beeswax
Index. </div>
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To most relatives, a woman’s disinterest in marriage is the
next worst thing to joining a satanic cult. You’d be treated as less of a
pariah if you murdered your mother. Actually… come to think of it, you just
might as well be murdering your mother when you announce that you don’t want a husband.
Excuses for your preference to remain single do not compute. It is considered a
fatal condition that must be exorcised with speed at the hands of
concerned Aunties who will visit, armed with marriage proposals and printed prayers for God's intervention on your sorry state. According to
the local classifieds, Sri Lanka is teeming with eligible sons; all tall, fair,
handsome and wealthy teetotallers (excuse me while I pause to snigger), looking
for their slim, pretty bride. So why on <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">earth
</i>are you not pouncing with glee at this opportunity?<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">Surely, you must be possessed by a demon.</span></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></div>
<br />
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Forget trying to explain to the world that you might want to
enjoy some independence, focus on a career or, God forbid, find yourself
without having to agonize over why the toilet seat was left up again. Your
personal needs are not anyone’s concern. Marriage is your national duty. The
aunties must be appeased.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s not just the relatives, either. Even the mere act of
consulting a gynaecologist is asking for trouble, especially if the doctor is
female- the more judgemental of the species. Once your age is noted, the first
thing that will be politely whined is “Married”? On stating that you are not,
you can then sit back and enjoy the wrinkling nose and long stare you are given
before being asked ‘why not?’, followed almost immediately by “are you sexually
active?” in a slightly accusatory tone. Then, in a manner that is creepily
similar to your mother’s, she will chirp ‘better get married soon, no? You don’t
have much time.’ <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At this point, if you
wish the consultation to proceed with an unbiased diagnosis, the only
acceptable thing to do would be to hang your head in shame for not having a husband, and bite back the
indignant retort that is dancing on your tongue. If you’re not wearing a wimple
or a wedding ring, then surely, you MUST be one of ‘those’ sorts, else why on
earth would you be checking up on your ladyparts? Hm? <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">HMM??</i> Harlot. <br />
<br />
Speaking of 'those sorts'... why IS it that a single woman becomes instant game for every randy perv out there? What is this blessed notion amongst our local men that if you're not committed to a man, then by default it means you must be a nymphomaniac waiting to have a go with every bloke who crosses your path? Why can't a woman found alone at a coffee shop/party/restaurant/supermarket, simply be a woman who is perfectly comfortable not being escorted around like a fluffy little miss by her virile protector- A Man? Must she be picking up customers, thereby the only valid reason she would venture out alone? Quick... let's glower in her direction like the respectable men we are and secretly entertain sordid thoughts while stroking ourselves under the table, hoping she'll see and accept the invitation.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I could puke.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Many a feminist will demand that you stand up
for your single rights and defend your position unto the death; an impressive
stance, albeit one that invites a one way ticket to the mental health clinic,
given the rate at which you will have to continuously take it. This writer
prefers the easier solution: the next time someone asks you why you’re not wed,
just tell them you have genital herpes from your last gay encounter, and would
they please pass you the salt? That’ll shut them up forever.</span>dramaqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140014490372934069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1631725528322171731.post-57308377068800684692016-08-02T03:16:00.002-07:002016-08-02T03:20:19.119-07:00Konichiwhatchumaycallit<span style="background-color: #351c75;"></span><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipdWGkEVgXw8Jk4ST816QQCZDK8ci6bAk3vBxx27Cp5vym2V0MIQb1LM2w07tFeqqG8Be93_nnIilWpCrNJMDgX_WQEy5VY40bm1rnF9zlD2C3Bg8WQXw93ZduO9KpqcydF51s5sPbXwZE/s1600/Japan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="307" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipdWGkEVgXw8Jk4ST816QQCZDK8ci6bAk3vBxx27Cp5vym2V0MIQb1LM2w07tFeqqG8Be93_nnIilWpCrNJMDgX_WQEy5VY40bm1rnF9zlD2C3Bg8WQXw93ZduO9KpqcydF51s5sPbXwZE/s400/Japan.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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This writer decided to delve into the pretty world of
Japanese cuisine and wrote the entire article in a Japanese accent (like-oh
this-oh), wearing a kimono and kneeling. The cats were amused and the knees
were not.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Let me point out that I am by no means an expert on Japanese
food and my affair with it started off on an entirely wrong foot. In fact, I’d
always entertained convictions that the Japs only consumed the vilest things (even
their fried rice was pronounced ‘Yucky’ Meshi, no?). I had such an aversion to
it that the first time I dared to try it was at 22, when taken to a restaurant by
a friend, expecting to make a good impression on his boss at an official
dinner. It’s fair to say that expectations were not met, on account of my gag
reflex performing beautifully throughout the evening.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Neither did it help that my questionable chopstick
skills resulted in the boss being thwacked a few times in the face by flying wood.</div>
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<br /></div>
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My next attempt was with a boyfriend at a five-star hotel’s All-You-Can-Eat
Japanese food promotion. </div>
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There I was, sporting a brand new blouse aptly patterned
with cherry blossoms, tok-toking on heels in pseudo-poshness, mispronouncing my
order in a high-pitched <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">boru</i> accent. </div>
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<br /></div>
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There I strutted to our assembled table, casting snooty looks
at celebrities dining around me and showing off my laden plates in sweeping arcs
like I owned the place. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There I set my plates down with such aplomb that the force
tilted the make-shift table-top. In my direction. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There went the laden plates, up into the air, right towards my
cherry blossoms.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The entire hall stopped drinking, eating and slurping to
gape at my frozen person covered in fish bits. It took a few minutes for a
waiter to stop sniggering and gently pick a slice of tuna off my hair. The
manager stepped out bravely with a dishcloth, to mop the miso off my chest with
trembling hands, praying it wouldn’t be considered sexual harassment. The
boyfriend, in the meantime, calmly continued to eat off the plate he’d saved in
his hand, all the while pretending he was not there, but instead down the hole
he’d mentally dug for himself.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am evidence that Japanese fare is an acquired taste. With
the first impression it made on me, any sane person would be put off the stuff
forever. But when was I ever sane? Like arranged marriage, over the years I grew
so fond of it to the point where I can now rattle off the terminology with such
ease and crave it like a greedy pregnant person. All I’m missing are slanted
eyes.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You learn to appreciate everything about it – the fresh tastes,
the fine preparation skills and the OCD plating that completes the package. I
am now one of its biggest fans and a regular feature at Japanese restaurants
around Colombo. Minus a cherry blossom blouse, of course. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We will live happily ever after-o.</div>
dramaqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140014490372934069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1631725528322171731.post-66057148516461878302016-08-02T03:10:00.002-07:002016-08-02T03:11:34.314-07:00Kollo KelloPublished in the 'LMD Living' Magazine in Jan 2016 -<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3Jnzd8d2VLTk6uiL2aOSfArost98LaiMQlOsbJwrWhNue8tVVVvSZdnFrl7c34l-z_E3piaoKmVaT5jSBrdghlj2keQn279bExH3E2cIq5OI4eWm5xgusY3Uk2LyFg4DS6vJY1gviAHBX/s1600/kollokello.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="282" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3Jnzd8d2VLTk6uiL2aOSfArost98LaiMQlOsbJwrWhNue8tVVVvSZdnFrl7c34l-z_E3piaoKmVaT5jSBrdghlj2keQn279bExH3E2cIq5OI4eWm5xgusY3Uk2LyFg4DS6vJY1gviAHBX/s400/kollokello.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">"Aney manda Sarath…
thaaththa kamathi naa." ("<i>woe is me... my father will not approve</i>")</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">With that, the pretty
young lass in this week's soap episode will burst into sniffles enhanced by
melodramatic violin music that wakes your neighbour's dog. Her lover, typically
clad in tucked shirt and bell-bottoms, his curly hair parted severely, sighs and
looks away wistfully. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Last week he chanced
upon the girl picking lotus flowers and his heart had stopped as she flushed, lowered
her lashes and bashfully looked away, as young women at lotus ponds are wont to
do. They'd then skipped to song before her father caught them mid-chorus. He'd hitched
up his sarong and sent Casanova howling before dragging duwa home, resulting in
the present moment of sorrow. The end. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Lessons in the art of
Sri Lankan courtship, courtesy of popular television.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">You'd think, going by
romance on local media, this country was a hive of virginal maidens being
serenaded by besotted men with side partings. Not true. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Gone are the lasses who’d
tiptoe daintily within the confines of home, wearing puff-sleeved frocks and
clutching hankies for spontaneous tears. Today's young ladies wear hankies
where their skirts should be and are admirably strong-willed creatures, quite
capable of packing a good punch. Your average boy too, is a far cry from
celluloid depictions. The neatly tucked shirts are replaced by Yeti-sized slogan
t-shirts, or slender fits with butterflies and daisies, often mistaken for
blouses. Pants vary from 'knees are the new waistline' types to 'squash my
jewels'.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">One assumes that it’s
the testicularly-challenging trousers that stop him from cycling past her house
as his ancestors did. Back then if he was lucky, he might also have her sitting
side-saddle, giggling prettily as he peddled furiously. Today’s ride is often a
friend’s BMW and there will be screeching, from both female and tyres. Chances
are she’s driving. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Courtship contradicts pansy
film versions. Modern ladies don't do shy. They wouldn't have the patience to
hang about waiting for lads to seek their favour; they'll go up and proposition
the fellow themselves. If Romeo's doing the seducing, he will opt for a casual "Yo,
babe" over poetry, followed by indecent PDA. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Sit at a mall like a
shady pervert and observe which relationships are new and which are not. Newer
partnerships feature the lady sashaying with her handbag swinging stylishly off
her elbow, leading her boyfriend by the hand. He will lurch behind, carrying
her shopping, ogling her swaying backside and counting his blessings.
Occasionally they will stop to stare into each other's eyes, grope and giggle.
In an older relationship the man will be dragged, hunched like Quasimodo and disgruntled
to boot. He will still be carrying her shopping, but with the intention of
throwing it along with her, over the balcony. This couple too will pause to
stare at one another, before erupting into a heated argument. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">One must also consider
that other important element in modern relationships - the friends. It’s a hook-one-get-the-entourage-free
deal. Frankly, if her friends don't like you, then you've got no game, son.
Actually, all intimacy is subjected to the scrutiny of the entire universe, let
alone your friends, thanks to social media. Hand holding is uploaded, kisses
are shared and sweet nothings whispered on group Whatsapp threads. It's all
very romantic.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Even marriage proposals
are public domain for all to sniff over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Mostly Daddy and Mummy, who thus far had no idea their little princess
was even dating. (Mummy might be sniffing since Daddy would be slightly
distracted by his coronary attack).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Flash
mob proposals are the latest fad, each one more elaborate than the last. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Love in Lanka has
certainly changed since the era of stolen brushes of fingers. 'Tis the age of
liberated love; be real or be fast when leaving because there's always another
one knocking. The only individual under the impression that modesty prevails would
be the Sri Lankan father, a.k.a. the Maharajah of Overmydeadbody. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Those don't
seem to change with time.</span> </div>
dramaqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140014490372934069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1631725528322171731.post-44131680455590824862016-07-18T02:13:00.001-07:002016-07-18T02:13:29.554-07:00Piece of Cake! <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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“Could you make me a toilet bowl cake with the poo inside?”
asked a recent customer. I was silent for a moment. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You want Winnie the Pooh in a commode?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“No no… POO. Faecal matter.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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“Uh… sure. Why not.” It wasn’t the strangest request I’d
gotten, after all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This, I thought to
myself, is what I do for the sake of my craft.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Five years ago, I forgot my father’s birthday. Family
tradition dictated that I should have put months of pre-planning and thought into
making as big a fuss of the event as I possibly could… and I had forgotten. I
scurried around the house in a panic, trying to find something… anything, that
could be up-cycled into a quick gift that I could pass off as an eco-friendly
attempt at ‘it’s the thought that counts’. Nothing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With dawn creeping up, I had to come up with
a plan before Birthday Boy woke. I spontaneously decided I would bake a cake.
The problem was, I’d never baked a cake before in my entire life, let alone at
1 am. Google became my best friend as I furtively looked up tutorials.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being me and therefore being an utter fool, I
decided my cake would be a glorious fondant sculpted number.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I was also a determined fool. That night, I taught myself
how to bake from scratch (I feel like the Guinness world record committee needs
to be informed). By morning, my father descended the stairs to find an
odd-looking edible product on the table that was meant to resemble him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sri Lankan parents, as you well know, will
never admit to the fact that a child’s attempt at culinary art looks like
something the cat dragged in. Never mind that the child was well into mid-life
crisis age. The questionable looking lump of roasted batter was photographed
from all angles and accepted with pride and joy, even displayed later that
evening for all and sundry visiting. Uploaded pictures sparked off actual cake
orders along with a swollen ego, and thus a monster was born; I became a cake artist. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Cake pans of all sizes were bought, the fridge stuffed with
butter and my pantry turned into a wonderland of glittery, colourful clutter
and spilled icing sugar, much to the delight of the residential ant colonies. Early
years of obsessively fiddling about with Playdoh had cultivated a knack for
sugar art, resulting in clients attempting creative insanity with each order. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What started out as an ego-driven hobby soon
turned into a nightmare, with sleepless nights and tears over burned batter.
Five years hence I am questioning my existence every time the cat tips over a
wedding cake that’s been 3 days in the making. Just as I’m about to throw in
the towel, I see everyone and their grandmother starting to bake novelty cakes
and my competitive drive kicks in again. Sleep be damned. I will produce a
toilet bowl cake with crap in it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And this time… I know how to bake.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEit5EupI3xTCKt1JGahuxPTTZjp6DkjtXqCAXcsrqqik2BlYx76DZEmW4_ZCcb2RpKEnGsmtQcIDSUyTSCrdy8dBLTEfBPztvtITCZYrHMk_XJNvlAMYQwvmQydrvyJ67BdFkcZeGUmitGz/s1600/10993392_10155184140425526_483542108560629457_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEit5EupI3xTCKt1JGahuxPTTZjp6DkjtXqCAXcsrqqik2BlYx76DZEmW4_ZCcb2RpKEnGsmtQcIDSUyTSCrdy8dBLTEfBPztvtITCZYrHMk_XJNvlAMYQwvmQydrvyJ67BdFkcZeGUmitGz/s400/10993392_10155184140425526_483542108560629457_n.jpg" width="225" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
dramaqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140014490372934069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1631725528322171731.post-56786694326481734432016-07-18T02:10:00.001-07:002016-07-18T03:16:57.576-07:00Poached!<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisksRpxqd8s68nZNjrU0QNlIL3B6qwlUF52vZJ4BX_cK2_GUrymY4rwRjeP_I6BCvTs9b9E3Mk7OwIlJSHv8Nm0sIEZZ3BSCn2hhhsqw-mIOCerBup4ZdCOn-qtrAbgx2TnHKr_hEJezjP/s1600/12622505_10156372474405526_5297165519325600616_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisksRpxqd8s68nZNjrU0QNlIL3B6qwlUF52vZJ4BX_cK2_GUrymY4rwRjeP_I6BCvTs9b9E3Mk7OwIlJSHv8Nm0sIEZZ3BSCn2hhhsqw-mIOCerBup4ZdCOn-qtrAbgx2TnHKr_hEJezjP/s640/12622505_10156372474405526_5297165519325600616_o.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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I was recently watching Masterchef, where a hapless
contestant was struggling under pressure to poach an egg. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The pompous judge kept telling him about the
degree of difficulty, and reminded him of past contestants who’d mucked up. </div>
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I scoffed. Give me a break. How can poaching eggs cause this
much consternation? All this talk of difficulty was just rubbish for
entertainment value. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Come to think of it, I’d never had a poached egg before (I
belong to the dark ages). I suppose I’d never even ordered one because it
didn’t look particularly enticing. A large white blob of gelatinous goo, like
an albino snotball. If the Abominable Snowman had a cold, he’d produce poached
eggs. </div>
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<br /></div>
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But I’ll try anything once. How difficult could poaching an
egg be? According to Masterchef, it was just a case of cracking it into a pot
of boiling water and then flicking around with a spoon and voila, gourmet
breakfast is born. Simple.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Clearly, I was meant to learn from my mistake of judging a
book by its cover, or in this instance an egg by its shell.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I strode confidently into my kitchen. It took me around 4
minutes to get some water bubbling and then, with the flair of Jaimie, I took
out an egg and cracked it into the water.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Ew.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Ew. Ew. Eeeew. My snotball was looking like mucous from
hell. There was nothing artful about the swirling ribbons of goo filling the pot.
It looked like exploded pus. Ew.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I tried again. Out came another egg and more water that
ended in the same gunky result. My image as a fantastic cook was being questioned
by the universe. How dare the egg Gods laugh at me! I would get this right,
somehow.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I consulted various cookery books and the internet for tips
on poaching. I’d bet no one has ever ventured into this extent of research
before. I found there were different opinions on how to produce the perfect poached
egg. Martha Stewart suggests just 2 inches of water. Nigella says you should
swirl the water before cracking the egg in. One website asked me to dunk the
whole egg, sans cracking, into the water first. Another advised the use of a
poaching tool. </div>
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Trick after trick resulted in the same, if not worse, mess.
After one hour and considerable stress, I was down to my last egg and
nerve.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If this didn’t work, I would give
up eating eggs altogether. I tried a combination of techniques- first dunking
the egg and then cracking it into pre-swirled water of 2 inches. It
worked!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unbelievable. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Joyfully, I fished out a wobbling, perfectly formed,
gleaming white poached egg and placed it delicately <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>on a piece of toast before taking about 300
photos. Then, with mixed emotions of pride and marvel, I broke it with a fork
and allowed the golden goodness of yolk to run over the toast. I took up a
forkful and put it in my mouth.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Tasted like snot.</div>
dramaqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140014490372934069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1631725528322171731.post-30680262299596663152016-07-18T00:49:00.001-07:002016-07-18T00:49:44.500-07:00Stop and Smell the Gandapaana<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<i>Published in LMD Living - May 2016</i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJCCkPHlnaoI9BnpdC4cS7WKdxXjuVnmRcuvtkZZxgvzK8S04Cmp6CGeHKHKGm_6ZPxAC5S_nPY8FtzTXO6QxU2W-53GGR7tTlzbiPu9lfBIB8BNXzdWhVvAZmwIlGymX_86pp2FYDgKaf/s1600/destress.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJCCkPHlnaoI9BnpdC4cS7WKdxXjuVnmRcuvtkZZxgvzK8S04Cmp6CGeHKHKGm_6ZPxAC5S_nPY8FtzTXO6QxU2W-53GGR7tTlzbiPu9lfBIB8BNXzdWhVvAZmwIlGymX_86pp2FYDgKaf/s640/destress.jpg" width="396" /></a></div>
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“I can’t remember when I last had the luxury of time to read
more than a page of a book, and that too, only on the toilet seat” a colleague
recently shuddered. A valid and ponder-worthy insight to life today. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The rising cost of living has also raised
blood pressures considerably in what was once a lazy little island that could
teach the Mexicans a thing or two on the art of the 24-hour siesta. The urban
jungles of Sri Lanka have in recent times turned into something of a mental
asylum for bees. We are yet to reach the suicidal stress levels of the Indians
or Chinese, but it certainly looks like we’re on our way there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Conversations between aunties that were
previously centred on the price of pumpkins have now evolved into the lack of
time to go and buy said pumpkins. Uncles are becoming more and more frequent
visitors at the cardiologist’s clinic because the source of their coronaries
are no longer only their daughters, but also the stresses of keeping up with the
day-to-day pace of life. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Given the booming
business of self-help books and stress therapy Youtube videos out there, it
seems the whole world is suffering a massive existential crisis and needs all
the motivation it can get.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Where did we go so wrong? The insipid inspirational memes
are quite right – we’re all slaving away to earn the ability to afford a life
we have no time to lead. If you think about it (providing you actually have the
time to think about it)… at some point of our lives, we forgot the point of
life. We sit at our monochromatic cubicles, slurping up copious amounts of
coffee designed to keep us positive until it’s time to clock off, wishing for
the utopian day when we could be living the Pinterest life. We cower to the
system that breathes over our shoulders like a disapproving grandmother and
before too long, ‘someday’ becomes a mere catchphrase that never sees the light
of reality and you’re left wheezing on your deathbed, wondering where the time
went.</div>
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It may be too much of an ask to completely rehash life just
like that and go on that world tour like you’ve always wanted, but perhaps it’s
time we considered listening to the Deepak Chopras of the universe, and adopted
a few tiny changes to our daily ritual, that could in turn make our day
slightly more interesting than the pimple on our management’s backside that we
hate to kiss but still do, for the sake of that monthly pay packet. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe if we actively seek to de-stress even
for a few minutes as a mandatory chore for the day, it could eventually lead to
a semblance of much-needed bliss that doesn’t cost an overworked arm and leg.
To make the transition easier, here are three tried and tested tricks you could
take up:</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Spend an extra five minutes on the loo. Admit
it, unless you’ve got serious infections in your underparts, you’ve never felt
more serene than when seated on your own private throne. Just increase the time
limit, ignore whoever is banging on the door, and sing ‘Let it Go’ while you’re
at it.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Stop and smell the Gandapaana. Gardens are a
beautiful thing. If you don’t have one, break into your neighbour’s or find a
random patch of green and imagine you’re Maria in the Sound of Music. Fresh
grass feels amazing, when not riddled with dog poo, and can give you just the
peace you need.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Get a pet. Dogs, cats, hamsters, chickens…
whatever works for you. Cuddling an animal, providing it’s not a scorpion, has
an uncanny knack for making you feel more relaxed than your spouse ever did.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">There you go; your DIY starter kit to less
stress and hopefully more reasons to smile through the rat race. You’re
welcome. </span>dramaqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140014490372934069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1631725528322171731.post-71885728865666679192016-07-18T00:47:00.000-07:002016-07-18T00:50:10.733-07:00Grammar Nazi<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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latched onto the arms of other girls who are equally giggly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Girl sees boy.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Boy and girl fall madly and immaturely in deep infatuation. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A network operation worthy of the KGB is soon put into
action, with mutual friends getting in on the scheme to do some background
research in order to procure girl’s number for boy. On finding out that he
wishes to make contact, her heart thumps in excitement and a grand overture of
romantic orchestral music begins playing in her head. Coy looks are sneaked in each
other’s directions as the girl’s phone beeps in a text message that she has
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif";">Hi gurl u luk so Qt wil
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<br /></div>
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incapable of constructing a proper sentence. Herein endeth all future potential
for courtship or his success in life.</div>
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At least, that’s how this writer hopes the story goes. There
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to the art of wooing. The first step to making a good impression- stop
murdering the Queen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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To call the new-fangled language of the youth ‘irksome’ is
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ludicrous... discombobulating (At this point, any persons below 30 reading this
article would have turned the page, proving the point) at best and agonizing to
read. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When did Sri Lanka’s grandiose
status of highest literacy level in Asia reduce to such use of rubbish? What’s
even more tragic is that the media celebrates the trend (rather, the speedy
descent of intelligence) by adding fuel to the fire. A recent scan through
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Methinks official punishment on a national scale is
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with wall-to-wall blackboards and make them write elaborate sentences a
thousand times over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those violating the
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he continue his case, but he prevails. “Chill, aunty… its SMS lingo. Put that
umbrella down.” </div>
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No, it is NOT any sort of lingo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is vulgar and disrespectful to the beauty
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just because your immature fingers are in a hurry to go play a game instead of
making the effort to craft your correspondence. So this umbrella will STAY
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Totes. Got dat?</span>dramaqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140014490372934069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1631725528322171731.post-72935281319173873782016-07-18T00:41:00.002-07:002016-07-18T02:27:42.042-07:00Plates, Pubs and Pigs.<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9WaTjTz9dq-L_NT9tcai0TxrX2fiU1n1bfcY1QpDD0MMIDpfyhDL4BtC7MQrgSpt2aI0nGo2ZGi4NyURsKkQzpEQJmMAaxC2jsQv6bOmfNOD383jO6gyiolQqUAfUGdGI2gHOHRuYtM-Q/s1600/belgium+food+%25282%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="452" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9WaTjTz9dq-L_NT9tcai0TxrX2fiU1n1bfcY1QpDD0MMIDpfyhDL4BtC7MQrgSpt2aI0nGo2ZGi4NyURsKkQzpEQJmMAaxC2jsQv6bOmfNOD383jO6gyiolQqUAfUGdGI2gHOHRuYtM-Q/s640/belgium+food+%25282%2529.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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It irks me that Belgian food is not given its due hallelujah
in this country. I assume it’s because not enough Belgians want to leave the
motherland and bring recipes here, since they’re too busy with their national
sport - eating. If there’s one thing the Belgians do right, its cuisine. The
land that invented the French fry (did you know?) manages to serve up a ménage
à trois of French, German and Italian flavours melded together into a
distinctly fabulous taste of its own. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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As always, my interaction with food comes packaged with
drama and I have memories attached to every meal I had during my stay in
Belgium. Once, I was starving at lunchtime after a very long day, when my
hostess announced she would be serving Endives (pronounces ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ondeev</i>’). ‘Endives!’ I thought
excitedly. What a gloriously exotic name for a dish I imagined would be filled
with sizzling goodness. She held up a large plate and my tummy groaned in
anticipation. She set it down and my mouth groaned instead. </div>
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An onion. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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A single, large, penile-shaped, lettuce-y onion. </div>
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I looked up at her in askance; perhaps she had missed
something? She beamed back, interpreting my stare for amazement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sighing, I ate my onion, which, by the way,
tasted better than I’d expected. </div>
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<br /></div>
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If lunch was a dismal start then dinner was overkill. I
showed off my complete incompetency in French by ordering something pronounced
‘Jhombone’ off the menu at a pub.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
waiter did a double take and looked at me suspiciously. “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Pour vous, mademoiselle</i>?” Was that a tinge of surprise I noted in
his voice? “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Oui”</i> I sniffed, for it
was the only word I knew. Minutes later he pushed out a slab of wood atop which
sat an entire leg of pork larger than my barstool. My heart sank at the fact
that I would now have to eat this monstrosity, since in Belgium leaving food on
your plate is considered an insult. given that it all happened quite a few years before my conscience high-kicked me into the struggling vegetarian I am today, I channelled my inner Obelix and set about
eating what, frightening dimensions aside, was truly and utterly delicious. Amazingly,
I managed to eat every bit, even if it did take me two hours and left me
looking like the enormous pig whose leg I’d just consumed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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One occasion had me trapped in a loo for over an hour, a
trauma which the highly apologetic hostess tried to placate with a dish of
frogs legs and snail that just sent me back to the toilet once I’d found out
what it was. Another time I was served a fantastic lobster whose claw, thanks
to my limited cutlery skills, ended up on my hostess’s head. A visit to a
brewery had me, the ignorant, tasting a rackful of 15 beer varieties and
singing bawdy limericks at the top of my voice on the streets of Brussels. Thank heaven the lyrics were in my mother tongue and not theirs, else I'd have been propositioned.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
From meats to mussels and cheeses to chips, Belgian food is
designed to turn you into a glutton. Try it out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just make sure you know French first.</div>
dramaqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140014490372934069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1631725528322171731.post-39285447396758164742016-07-18T00:41:00.001-07:002016-07-18T02:23:40.203-07:00One Foot in the Grave and other in Jimmy Choo<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<i> Published in LMD Living - February 2016</i></div>
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Flip through any women’s’ publication today and you can’t
help but be regaled with advertisements on the latest fad in cosmetology. Nose
lifts, facelifts, tucks, implants… the thin line between enhancement and absurd
is being surgically erased. At the rate the business is increasing in Sri
Lanka, you’d think the country was teeming with the ugliest women in world. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you shamelessly scrutinize the photographs
in those high-society mags, half of Colombo seems to be using cosmetic surgery.
Especially the rich over-40 ladies in denial. Almost every single one of them
looks pinched and puckered to resemble a Picasso, or should that be Pollack, all
with the identical lemon-sucking expression on their frozen faces, their
waistlines tweaked like Barbie dolls and chests fluffed up like chickens in
corsets. Those who cannot afford the nips ‘n’ tucks opt for an armoury of make-up
instead, to unsuccessfully hide the flaws with enough facepaint to overwhelm a
mime artist.<br />
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It isn’t even to impress the boys (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">naaki</i> uncles still insist on referring to themselves as boys, you
see). No no<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>no… all this superficial
preening is purely to have one up on the fellow aunties. The minute Mrs. Social
Butterfly sees an invitation to her school re-union, she’s scuttling at
breakneck speed to the Zumba class, followed by a visit to her favourite salon,
for a makeover and ego-massage courtesy of the dramaqueen that is her stylist.
She will have her eyebrows plucked until she looks permanently surprised, her
flabulous body scrubbed, waxed and stuffed into a dress 5 sizes too tight and
her carbuncled feet squeezed into branded shoes. It doesn’t matter that she
falls flat on her face with every step, as long as her batchmates recognize the
brand.</div>
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If you walk into a Colombo nightclub, you might as well take
a pair of dark glasses with you, to shield your eyes from the dazzling display
of denial on the dance-floor. If the over-plumped lips and ‘bruise’ eye make-up
is not disturbing enough, then the fake hair extensions certainly will be. Dear
God, there is even a show of cleavage, dangling just above the knees. Have you
seen an aged aunty dance to a rave beat? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That ‘booty’ will jerk scandalously in different
directions, trying to keep up with the young nubile teenage ones around it,
right up to the point where aunty suffers a heart attack from exertion, around
the second verse of the song. And yet, she will go on, determined not to be
seen as older and weaker.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
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In all reality, the weakness doesn’t come with age, but with
the fundamentalist approach towards reducing weight. The GM diet, paleo diets,
liquid diets, breatharian diets… there is no end to the madness and she will
try it all as she chases after the waistline that ran away years ago. The
Michelin tyre that’s nicely settled around her mid region does not stop her
from putting on her sexiest pair of leopard tights (shield your eyes, people)
and posing around like Beyoncé’s great grandmother. Those tights are often
paired with elongated talons, painted red on wrinkled fingers sporting the
largest bling ring she can find. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A gift
from the latest toy boy old enough to be her son, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>that her husband doesn’t know about.</div>
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She certainly cuts the memorable figure, this modern, hybrid
female representation of the privileged mid-life crisis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where did that lovely, radiant and homely
aunty with rosy cheeks and a freshly baked pie in her arms go, and who is this
human blue cheese in her stead?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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You have to hand it to her … Grandma Barbie displays an
admirable zest for life and the confidence of a gorilla in heat. In a country
that frowns on a woman’s right to be whom she wants to be, these superficial
ladies are taking up arms in the form of fake designer handbags and making a
statement. Never surrender, never retreat, never be age-appropriate. Who can
argue with her search for eternal youth?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Certainly not the plastic surgeons.</div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Those guys are making a killing.</span>dramaqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140014490372934069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1631725528322171731.post-15388076686300854552016-07-18T00:37:00.002-07:002016-07-18T00:37:54.091-07:00She’ll Be Coming Round the Mountain<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirOLXn7wzoYIWFgYXq4bm5-SwOTf8SQwix40sJ2kgBK6PPiym04-84-MZpJS6Pzd4d_DzXQ25cHVC3jKcRtvyNqdP4RCkS3J4_Ok4fs7SlZwyhLpMCV0hO4rE8TeRnKG51o0nli3oE7ACb/s1600/hike.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="267" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirOLXn7wzoYIWFgYXq4bm5-SwOTf8SQwix40sJ2kgBK6PPiym04-84-MZpJS6Pzd4d_DzXQ25cHVC3jKcRtvyNqdP4RCkS3J4_Ok4fs7SlZwyhLpMCV0hO4rE8TeRnKG51o0nli3oE7ACb/s400/hike.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A getaway was long overdue. Google and tripadvisor were
raped for budget-friendly ideas and visions of serenity ensued; sipping tea on
a hilltop and enjoying <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>much-needed rest
over a good book.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This trip would feature
peace, tranquillity and endless sleep, lulled by the soft winds of the emerald
hills, waited on by some culinary genius of an Appu at a plush boutique
hideaway. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’m going on a holiday to the hills, who wants to join me?”
said the Whatsapp message to friends, to which immediate positive replies were received.
“Yes, let’s! Shall we hike on Knuckles?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Wait, what? Hike on Knuckles? As in, walk one’s toes off in
leech-infested mud and grime and weather the monsoon madness? Who is their
right minds would want to do something so vile when they could be toastily
nesting in a cloud of quilts next to a fireplace instead? There was no way in
hell that this holiday would be ruined by a hike.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Ok”.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sometimes, we holiday planners are wimps when it comes to
being decisive. If hiking was the only way to have company, then it would have
to happen. Perhaps after about 15 minutes of a brisk walk amongst the tea bushes
we could go back to basking in the dream holiday. And so bags were packed,
leech socks procured (you wouldn’t believe how Godsent these are) and we were
off, singing ‘the hills are aliiiiive’ in the car, all the way to a budget
bungalow at the foot of the Knuckles range (the boutique hotel prices, it
turned out, had to remain filed under ‘dream’). </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I have a something special planned” announced the trip’s
adventurous itinerary planner, along the way. How apt a description for the
detour she had in store, at the end of a ride deep into no man’s land. It began
with a suspended bridge over Bambarakiri ella that seemed to have been taken
straight out of a movie, followed by being literally ‘blown away’ atop the
breathtaking Mini World’s End, and ended with perhaps the most phenomenal
waterfall experience at the magical Sera Ella. If creeping behind the fall
itself and being mesmerized by the cascading sheet of water wasn’t treat
enough, swimming in the pristine waters below it just took the day to Fantasy
Island levels. Perhaps the hike to come would not be as bad as assumed, if this
was the kind of delight on offer. Trepidation turned to happy hope.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The next day, we set off in the wee hours for the rocky
range, picking our guide up on the way- a tiny sprite of a man named Raja who
looked like he couldn’t say boo to a goose and carried nothing but a worryingly
evil-looking knife, as opposed to the rest of the group all kitted out like
they were auditioning for Survivor. In no time at all, the charm of the
previous day’s activities vanished. A hike on the Knuckles range is anything
but a walk in the park, especially if one is a middle-aged cat lady who has
never seen the inside of a gym. After 7 hours of climbing up slippery rocks at
the pace of a snail’s grandmother, screaming filth at the mobs of leeches that
appeared out of nowhere with every step, 2 and a half hours of being left
behind in the heart of the forest next to leopard kill while the rest climbed on
to the peak (because yours truly busted her knee) and earning tree-frog like Raja’s
disdain, the hike was complete and legs wobbling like jellyfish. But dare I say
the achievement felt glorious, and the views along the way spectacular. A truly
spiritual encounter, in more ways than one. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The holiday had turned into something very different to what
was originally anticipated, but a memorable one nonetheless. However next time,
tea and quilts it is, without leeches.</div>
dramaqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140014490372934069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1631725528322171731.post-32542457233053896992016-07-17T23:36:00.005-07:002016-07-17T23:36:58.883-07:00Hello, me.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dear 16-year old DramaQueen,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Hello, you little bitch. You disillusioned loser. You have no idea how uncool you are. I, unfortunately, do, having suffered 20 years more of your tiresome little life. When you tried to hang yourself from the karapincha tree that other day, why the hell didn't you go through with it? We could have reincarnated as a nice fat housecat or something then and lived a life of utter indulgence surrounded by choice cuts of rat. Instead, you chose to live a little more, didn't you, you pathetic ingrate?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">What do you MEAN the boy next door wasn't watching out from his balcony and therefore couldn't come to rescue you from committing suicide and ask you to marry him? He was never worth the vying for attention from in the first place. Leave him alone. You'll find out soon enough that he's not interested and thinks you're a bit of a loon. What... you thought those are REAL excuses he keeps giving you every time you ask him if he wants to come over and see your barbie dolls?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Btw, think it's about time you threw the barbies out. Outside that silly little bubble in your head, 16 year olds don't play with dolls anymore. You sad, sad thing. No wonder I had to write to you... to set your funny head straight and give us a chance at being normal in the eyes of society. But I know you.... no amount of ranting and advising will change a damn thing; we've always been pig-headed that way. It'll get you into a damn load of trouble in the future, but you still won't care. Nevertheless, I might as well try my luck and see.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Lets categorize the lecture, shall we?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #6600cc; font-weight: bold;">Being 16.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Act it, for heaven's sake. Like, in a relatively normal, Sri Lankan girl kind of way, please. It will save you and your mother a lot of embarrassment along the way (trust me on this one).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">No dear, life is not a Disney movie, so stop making Disney princess expressions and gestures with everything you say. You don't look pretty and alluring, you look a downright nutter.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">No, your hair doesn't look like Ariel from The Little Mermaid. Backcombing it won't help, though you won't realize it until you start balding at 25. The birdy on the tree is not talking to you and neither are your dolls. The cat, perhaps. Cats have been having conversations with us for years. Quite intelligent ones too. Just today, I discussed the merits of sawdust litter trays with Socksy, who you'll meet in 11 years. You'll love her. She's cool.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Back to you, though.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Despite your convictions, the socks in your bra don't make you look like you have boobs. Besides, everyone knows you've got stuffing in there, your technique is horrible enough to make it obvious. I know you hate to admit it, but Mum is right. We're late developers, darling. There will come a time when you'll finally grow a pair (though it might not be the pair you wish several times in your life that you'd been born with) and won't want to stop displaying them. That'll give your mother headaches much worse than the migraines you're causing now. Chillax. If you wait it out, boobs will come. I am sorry, however, to inform you that the good news ends there, because along with the boobs comes a heap shitload of flab and fat that become your gripe subject of choice as you age. Good luck. Ms. Sri Lanka, you ain't. Get that into your head and stop parading up and down in front of your mirror in your mother's kaftan.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Try not to harbour too many dreams of that veterinarian job. We end up in advertising. Different kind of zoo, though for some strange reason it accepts us wholeheartedly and makes us feel good about ourselves. And we know how much we like ego massages.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="color: #351c75;">Family</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Your dad will be fine. You don't need that coffin, even though the doctors told mum to get it ready. Believe it or not, you'll witness your first miracle long before you're enough of a religious nut to imagine it. In fact, it's your growing aethism that convinces you that it IS indeed, a miracle. The sheer fact that you don't believe in them and it happens to you will turn you into a religious nut for a few years. Good luck when that happens. Anyways, Dad will be back and bouncing in no times, and give you plenty of reasons to wonder why. There will be drama with him for the rest of YOUR life, if not his. Where did you think you got your particular brand of eccentricity from? Yes, you'll want to kill him more than a few times, but hang on... don't do anything rash. He'll leave the country on work and you'll have some peace for a while. Mum, on the other hand, I can't help you with. You think she's a pain NOW? Hahahaha. Honey, don't for a second be fooled into thinking that age is gonna bring you any benefits. It gets worse and worse the older you get. To the point where you'll contemplate suicide once more, this time because you cannot get away from her. Yeah, she'll be cool and all... but she will never know who you are, nor understand you completely. In about 8 years, you'll watch a TV series about a guy named Raymond. Watch closely. His parents? Those are yours. Ten times better than yours, in fact. Might I suggest you start plotting a strategy right now, because otherwise when you're 30, you'll be still under her roof, as neurotic as she is.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Our brother will remain the bane of your life. In fact, this year he's gonna start selling your information to the older guys at school for toffees and hotdogs from the tuck shop, earning you a marvelous reputation that will haunt you for the rest of your life. When you're 30, you'll meet some of these guys and they'll have amused looks on their faces while you struggle not to dig a hole for yourself closeby.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Stop avoiding family gatherings. You're missing out on the food. Stop avoiding visiting your grandparents. There will come a day when you wish you could do it more often and when they'll be the only people on your side. Having said that, do tell your grandmother where to get off when she proposes that you join the Carmalite Convent this year after your O'levels. And once you're done with the 'evil dead nun' anonymous calls to her at midnight, don't you dare start contemplating getting thyself to the nunnery. They won't take you in, anyway.... not after you tell Mother Superior where to put her rosary, when Grandma takes you there for a visit next month. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><b>Friends</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">That's right. You have none at school. But it has nothing to do with your presumption that you're too mature and cool to hang with silly girls. It's coz they all think you're weird. I think your animal rights motion of climbing on the canteen roof and staging a hartaal has something to do with it. Also because you stick up for the underdogs and occasionally burst into Disney songs in the middle of exams cos you don't know the answers. It might also be because they know you stuff your bra and the primary school students think you're amazing for knowing all the Disney songs. They also hate your guts since you get all the plum roles in the school plays and you manage to over-achieve despite that lose screw in your head and your inability to get good grades. Girls can be cruel like that. But hey... don't worry... we're never gonna relate to any of those chicks anyway. Down the line you're going to meet some people just as weird as you and make some pretty solid friends. Much better than the school variety. In ten years you're also going to be pretty successful and a wee bit better known than your classmates, so you can shove it down their pretentious throats at school reunions. Muahahahaha. High five. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Note to self, though - that girl you hate? Don't punch her in the bathroom next year. You break her nose and get suspended for a week. Sometimes, bitches need to be left to their own devices. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><b>Boys </b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Oh please. Stop puking all over the place, they're not that bad. The guy next door is a wuss and you know it, and for your information, other boys in general are NOT piles of poo. Some of them are pretty nice and yes, you ARE capable of being turned on by a man, when not trying to turn INTO one at several points of your life (that will give Mummy a few reasons for acute alcoholism too). Just not yet. You're gonna make some pretty heavy mistakes, though. That guy you just met at the inter-school play? Avoid him at all costs. Yeah he's the lead actor and yeah he's cute, but mark my words young lady, he's a cocky, chauvinistic son of a gun and when you start dating him next year, you're going to be sorry. He'll unknowingly make mincemeat of you and make you so ashamed of yourself that it'll take you 8 whole years to figure out he's not right for you, by which time we will have lost a great deal more than our self respect. But hey... par for the course I suppose. You'll be friends with the guy whatever the outcome, and the experiences with him will turn you into the kick-ass sister you are today. I particularly love the way you give him an actual, physical boot the day you wake up and smell the toe jam.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The player you meet after that ain't interested in you and I think you need to remember that when you meet him. Falling for him after an initial hardcore 'I hate him' campaign will be your biggest mistake yet. You turn into such a needy little pig after the wretched man turns his tricks and leave you wailing. Well, at least we find out that we've got emotions. But really... hon... we know better. By all means stay well away from the Romeo coz that face... that's all make-up. Fake as fake can be.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">You know what though... if you don't have those last two flings with demons, then you probably won't recognize the angel we meet next. It'll take you some time to see it, of course, because you have your head wrapped up in your god-awful 'perfect man' checklist as tight as a virgin leech's arsehole, but you'll eventually open your eyes. He's a real sweetheart. We gush about him and all that. Did you ever guess we'd gush about a guy? We do. Not bad for us, if I do say so myself. So I suppose the whole 'kiss a few frogs' strategy does work, eh? Daddy, being daddy, will get in the way stop you from having him forever though, and you'll hurt for the rest of our life. But all is not lost...the boy stays firmly lodged in our heart and becomes our best friend, and whilst this does not bode well for any future suitors (you build yourself a nice big wall to keep 'em out), you still have Mr. Amazing to give you and your baggage the companionship you seek. You won't believe me now, but trust me... the single life becomes the best time we have and you'll discover what it is to find your own strength.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><b>Life</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">If you keep continuing to be you, we'll do ok, in between psychotic depressive episodes, long periods of alcohol abuse followed by abject teetotaller-hood, unending drama with family, work and friends, at least two embarrassing situations per day and some rather exciting successes. I guess we're one of the lucky ones, albeit one of the more-than-slightly off ones. People will laugh, wherever we go. At least we don't make them cry. Except for Mother. Mother cries. Alot.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Stick to the drama, stick to the cats (there will be dogs, rats and elephants too), and for God's sake never stick to the plan. It doesn't work for us that way and you'll find that out soon enough.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Good luck. You're a right royal pain in the arse, but enjoy being one. At least you grow up to be way cooler than you are now. I think.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Big hugs! (Oh shut up, you forget I know you secretly like them).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">An older, fatter, sluttier you.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">P.S. - My boobs are bigger than yours. Ngyah!</span>dramaqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140014490372934069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1631725528322171731.post-53422324033070332222016-07-17T23:19:00.000-07:002016-07-17T23:19:46.822-07:00A Walk on the Wild Side<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> <i>Published in LMD Living- June 2016</i></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDbV4BAzoEMGG_TP-xvfGh4axnB9hYVlMjwFUhQicDO-uuxReIyoVTvnnKXrSs9LldJ519T5TXKh62tsTHugTH0y1nBQ1gqEgtXxGEvdNJYIAT-MhzWgl41kH3eBSP223hBfQK0uraXZXM/s1600/wild.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="278" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDbV4BAzoEMGG_TP-xvfGh4axnB9hYVlMjwFUhQicDO-uuxReIyoVTvnnKXrSs9LldJ519T5TXKh62tsTHugTH0y1nBQ1gqEgtXxGEvdNJYIAT-MhzWgl41kH3eBSP223hBfQK0uraXZXM/s400/wild.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">With the month of Poson poya finally here and the greater
Buddhist populace making extra efforts at spirituality, it was quite nice to
happen upon the legend of how Buddhism seeped into this little island of
devils. Amongst the fascinating stories is the tale of how King Devanampiya Tissa
(Sri Lankans never believed in naming kids anything even mildly pronounceable) took
up compassion as his personal mantra and established the world’s first animal
sanctuary in 247 BC. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Fast forward to about 2500 years later and you have a Sri
Lanka that’s a far cry from the Buddhist nation it promised to be all those
centuries ago. One doesn’t have to traipse all the way to Mihintale to be
rudely slapped with the reality of what a mess we’ve made today on the animal
welfare front. Ol’ Tissa would roll in his grave if he knew. So would the stag
whose life he spared, if someone were to reveal that a good portion of its
future generations are now packed up in a smelly concentration camp called the
Dehiwela zoo. Those who still remain in the wild run the daily risk of being
renamed venison.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh deer. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">One of the more endless tales of woe would have to be
relayed by the elephant – that giant guardian of mystery and spirituality. If
there’s one thing to be said about us puny Sri Lankans, it’s that we can take
our David Vs. Goliath mentality a little too far. It’s certainly no joke that
most of today’s dwindling local elephant population are more often found
shackled and swaying in broken-spirited stress in some concrete shed, than they
are lazily plonked in jungle mud-baths like they should be. Apparently, the
interpretation of Ceylonese compassion is to dress them up in gaudy carnival
attire complete with electrical wiring and parade them on long stretches of tar
road amidst fire, drums and gawping humans. When not being poked with the ankus
on the street, they’re found being prodded to stand on their heads or sit on
miniscule stools at the zoo, for the entertainment of more gawping humans. We
do this, of course, not in the name of Buddhism but more in the name of foreign
currency, but it is ironic that a country so staunch in its belief in the power
of karma would resort to enslaving, chaining and abusing the very creatures it
deems sacred, all for bragging rights and a few bucks. Then again, ignorance
and defiance is something we voluntarily relish in sunny Serendipity. The few
eles who escape the greedy clutches of private owners and tourist attractions
might have it easy in their bit of hideout, were it not for the inhabitants of
surrounding villages raising sarongs and voices above the noise of the lethal <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hakka patas </i>tossed casually at hungry
pachyderms who visit for a cup of sugar. Today, Sri Lankans are to elephants
what Isis is to the world, with the precious few activists who raise concerns
being speedily thwacked in the bum for speaking uninvited.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The elephants are joined in their fundamental rights
petition by almost every other four-legged, feathered or scaly being in little
Lanka. What once roamed freely is now scurrying to avoid speeding safari jeeps,
butcher’s knives and bullets, when not going slowly mad inside a holding cell
due to no fault of its own. A visit to the zoo will not only present you with
that delightfully packed deer enclosure and acrobatic elephants in chains, but
also ostriches who have plucked all their feathers out (no, not because nude is
in fashion), an assortment of monkeys all holding their starved arms out and
begging for the paracetemols and razor blades thrown into their cages by our highly
intelligent youth, and penguins suffering from heatstroke because the air
conditioner can’t quite reach arctic temperatures inside the room painted white
to trick them into believing it’s snowing. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">We are, after all, the land of Metta and Karuna. How
beautifully we live up to our own preaching.</span></div>
dramaqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140014490372934069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1631725528322171731.post-9557073857474553612014-09-22T03:56:00.001-07:002016-07-18T00:31:08.571-07:00I'm Still Around3 years since I last blogged. Halley's Comet, the Olympics, leap years and compliments about Justin Bieber have nothing on me. At least I popped around now and its the thought that counts, no?<br />
<br />
Clearly you haven't missed me. That's ok. I didn't miss you either.<br />
<br />
Niceties aside, I wasn't really hopping in excitement to start blogging again, but reading my last post made me realize that some of you may have assumed that the long silence was a result of me committing suicide or something. My goodness, the angst I projected! Quite proud of myself. Such passionate freedom of speech, that age and a couple of years have quelled considerably. Or is it that I have found some semblance of peace now and therefore am less aggressive? Not completely zenned, mind you, but definitely a little more passive than the younger me who wrote the previous post. The time bomb has stopped ticking, or perhaps it's just suppressed under multitude layers of reasons to be content with life... who knows, it may resurface sooner or later.<br />
<br />
Thinks are certainly different with life. Much has taken place since 2011; tragedy, devastation, and loss found ways to co-exist with joy and hopeful new adventures. Not that you're interested, but let me bring you up to speed on some of the highlights anyway, since I like being public about myself. <br />
<br />
I lost my paternal grandfather two years ago - a man who made a profound impression on my life. I was his first grand-daughter and he was my first love. I suppose you could say we were the apples of each others' eyes and I have yet to get over his passing, even if it did happen over the course of 5 years as he slowly withered away following multiple strokes. My theatrical pursuits, love for dance, music, gastronomy, appreciate of the arts and general flair can all be attributed to his influence. Everyday I miss him a little bit more. In a way, delivering my final farewell in the form of a eulogy and carrying the casket at his funeral woke me up a little from my little princess slumber and I think I grew up just a tad. It was the first time I'd lost a grandparent and bereavement was a new concept to me. Handling the grief matured the maverick in me and I realized the all-too-cliché 'life is too short' philosophy.<br />
<br />
The tragedy also brought out lots of monsters and skeletons hidden in the cupboard known as my relationship with my parents. Arguments at decibels that raised the roof both shocked my system as well as proved to be cathartic in the long run - everyone stopped hiding truths or avoiding conflict and just went for the kill, so much so that tough decisions were eventually made and I ended up having to let go of the man in my life in exchange for my total independence. Having to make a decision I wish I didn't have to make, broke me. I know for a fact that I will never truly forgive my parents for the hurt they caused in clinging onto to their misguided prejudices. Luckily, the wonderful man I love and still love understood, and to this day remains my best friend and constant support, which is a great solace. Someday, I hope we will be able to address our individual demons and reunite, but if not, at least I know there will always be a mutual love that transcends physical closeness and that comforts me. Having emotionally cut myself off the things that stressed me out has given me much of the calm and peace of mind that I so dearly craved for far too many years. My time bomb was defused! Along the way to healing I made some mistakes... ones that I will carry with me for a long time, but ones that I realize I had to make in order for me to know better and gain understanding. I made peace with the fact that I cannot ever be perfect and I will do some stupid things from time to time... all part of my learning curve.<br />
<br />
When I learned to let go, lots of good things began to happen. Positivity has the strangest way of manifesting into wonderful experiences. I moved out of home (FINALLY) and am a proud and very excited home-owner. We will not dwell on the fact that I actually still live next door to my mother, but the wall dividing us is much needed and a welcome thing. My new home is a haven for contemplating life and the passion for home decorating and gardening have been therapeutic. For once I love going home at the end of the day. My cats, insane dogs and books provide endless entertainment and my beautifully rustic little kitchen is constantly filled with the delicious aroma of Masterchef experiments.<br />
<br />
Outside the house, life is still a constant surprise, but I embrace it with a better attitude now. I was blessed with the good luck of scoring a sponsored trip to Broadway where I spent ten nights marveling at the best of theatre and even went backstage at two of my favourite shows to meet with the cast and get a sneak peek into production secrets. Pure magic! Back in Sri Lanka, in the last three years I had the opportunity to play three amazing lead female roles, each being a personal triumph for me. I am currently working on a reprisal of a role I almost played 12 years ago, had the production not been cancelled at the very last minute due to unavoidable circumstances. At the time, we were all scarred and broken from the unforeseen disaster. We didn't think we'd ever make peace with that chip on our shoulders but here we are, doing it bigger and better this time around, thankfully secure from something else going wrong.<br />
<br />
Makes me realize a few things. Sometimes when stress, tragedy or heartbreak takes place, our personal trauma stops us from seeing the silver lining. Our eyes close to the possibility of recovery or promise and darkness envelopes all thought. If awareness doesn't come quickly enough, the results can be dangerous. I teetered on the cliff..I was, in my own words, an explosive about to go off. The clinical depression I was going through could have ended a lot of goods things, including my life, had I not had God's presence to open my eyes and force me to become strong again. I gave up focusing on the negatives and began an exercise to seek the positive in everything and every day. Yes, I have my off days, but for the most part, I can sense contentment creeping back in to my life and for that I am grateful.<br />
<br />
It's true what they say. It gets better.<br />
<br />
Here's hoping it continues to do so. Watch this space.<br />
<br />dramaqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140014490372934069noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1631725528322171731.post-76400676122314544282011-10-10T00:01:00.000-07:002011-10-10T00:02:48.953-07:00HOO!My DAHLINGS! How how?<br /><br />Yes I know. I have been MIA for yonks now and I don't mean that nasty-mouthed rapper girl.Though I can be nasty mouthed too. I can't rap, though.<br /><br />Admit it, you missed me and my digressing.<br /><br />Aiyo I have so much to tell you... so much to pontificate on... so much to bitch about. Vhere to start, ja? Shall I just blabber at random? Yes, I think I will. Sorting out thoughts and news into different blogposts will take too much time and you know how often I blog.<br /><br /><br />1.<br /><br />So I started a new job and all. Methinks it was high time a change happened (I don't think anyone should be surprised, going by the 'woe-is-me' references to my work in the past), but strangely this new shift was not propogated by me. You see dearies, the COO (Chief Operations Oxbrain) of the last office- a baby-faced snake whom I never really liked to begin with - pulled a fast one and made off with the agency network and the utterly fartly client who made up 80% of our business. There are lots of different versions of the story circulating in the ad industry, but those of us who worked in the place know just exactly how the conniving lowlife and his conniving arse-buddy the client manipulated things to suit their purpose. It was quite a trying time for most of us, but one we all saw coming. Wonderfully enough though, 95% of the staff refused to jump ship with him and basically left him hanging with only three groupies that he'd brought in. The rest of us found work elsewhere and moved on after a few tears and the office we worked in closed down. It wasn't all sad, though. Most of us have come to the realisation that things really worked out for the best, given that we're all pretty happy in our new jobs and we no longer have to service that awful, awful client anymore. I also hear that ex-COO was recently almost beaten up by the husband of a woman he'd been having a fling with. Muahahahaha. Karma at its best.<br /><br />I was fortunate enough to be retained by the old group and transferred to a sister agency, along with a charismatic LD and a couple of other chums. So far, so good. Although I am no longer working in the creative division, the new stint is good fun and I am loving the energy and good vibes going around. It's quite a pleasant change to have actual HUMANS to work for and with. I've realized I've been decidedly happier with the world since I made the switch, so it must be a good thing. Tralala and all that for now. Wish me luck, sweethearts.<br /><br /><br />2.<br /><br />I have, out of a the classic glutton-for-punishment-itch, also taken on two new side jobs. It has nothing to do with money and everything to do with the fact that I am in denial about my ageing energy levels. One afore-mentioned side job is actually a bit of a dream come true - I've been commissioned to host my very own travel show on TV! Cue fanfare and general cheers for life's little ups. It's a budget travel show where I get to traipse aimlessly around Sri Lanka and get my hands dirty off the beaten track. Very very exciting stuff. At the mo it's all in planning and production phase, but by God it's thrilling. To top things off I am presenting the show with a long-time buddy which makes it funner, if there be such a word. So far we've shot the pilot episode which was a bit of a sorry disaster but one for the memories nevertheless. I am hoping the actual episodes to come will be slightly more colourful. Once we are officially public about it I will let you all know which channel to watch and when. :D<br /><br />Side job no.2 is my dibs on grandmotherhood- I have started... wait for it...(drumroll)...baking cakes. This is my small contribution to the health ministry's efforts in population control. It all started off with my very first cake of all time that I baked for my dad's b'day. On realizing it didn't look half bad (actually cake-like),I went and did that whole boastful, gloaty thing of posting up pictures on FB. That made things skyrocket to a whole new level and people started placing orders. Thinking I was cat's whiskers and quite pleased with the new-found skill, I took on the orders to finance what became a hobby of sorts and have now come to a point where I have to turn most of the orders down because I just can't handle the load. One of these days I promise you I will die of exhaustion, but for now I spend my nights and weekends raping my mother's oven. I even managed to attract a magazine review out of it. Martha Stewart will be proud, before she tastes my cakes and dies of food poisoning.<br /><br /><br /><br />3.<br /><br />My animal welfare activities are on a new high. I have taken advocacy to near-extremes and can be often seeing parading the streets or abusing social networks priviledges to save the planet. People have stopped talking to me as a result, like most ignorant and stupid humans are wont to do when they're informed that they are not the most important thing in the world. Happily enough, I don't care. I have even attempted to become vegetarian, much to my carnivore boyfriend's dismay. But he is being a good soul about it and even occasionally supports my lunacy by foregoing meat on dinner dates without my telling him to. Bless him. The new diet is working so far, though I have to admit to the odd slip-up here and there. 'Tis a difficult business, getting certain habits out of one's systems, but a meat-less meal certainly has the benefits of a drama-free conscience and I actually sleep easier now.<br /><br />I am extremely supposrtive of the organised effort to ban ritual animal slaughter at the Munneswaram Temple in Chilaw. Google it if you're not aware of the stories. It is beyond me how fucked up some people can be when it comes to interpretations of religious dictates. Good on Mervyn Silva, as much of an idiot as he is, for creating enough of a public spectacle by barging in there and confiscating those poor animals lined up for merciless hacking up. Religious tolerance and respect is one thing, but choosing to turn your head and spout nonsense about 'to each his own' when there's a life at stake is another. What's fucked up is fucked up and intervention in such circumstances is ok in my books, as unpopular a view as that may be. I can deal with the PROPERLY carried out sacrifices at religious events, such at the Islamic haj rituals. I say 'proper' because according to the laws of Islam, the slaughter is supposed to be carried out with minimum harm or distress to the animal, whereby no trauma has been inflicted. The problem is that more often than not, these mandates are rarely followed due to sheer incompetency or disegard in the name of human convenience. I wish there were more control methods put in place at these rituals, where proper supervision ensures that, if you MUST please your God by killing something, then at least the animal is kept comfortable and knows/feels little to nothing. Munneswaram is a whole different story and I'm not sorry to say I have absolutly no regard for foolish buffoons who think they can invoke luck and prosperity by violently murdering a life in the most callous way imaginable. I pray for a day when I am empowered enough to mete out the same treatment to said violators. May they rot alive.<br /><br />Now you know why people avoid me.<br /><br /><br /><br />4.<br /><br />I have added yet another child to my already festering brood- a puppy named Smurfette. She is overtly active, destructive and consistently happy, which stresses the cats out no end. Smurfette was left in a box at my doorstep by someone who obviously had a bigger heart than the monsters who usually drown or throw away baby animals. After a few weeks of unsuccessfully trying to re-home her, she ended up as a permanent installation and now drives everyone batty. Neighbours are witness to the number of my bras and panties that she insists on dragging out into the garden for exhibition and I am constantly smelling of puppy drool. This is the life.<br /><br /><br />5.<br /><br />The good things in life still mingle with the not-so-great. but I am too happy today to get into all that. Maybe someday you'll find out.<br /><br /><br />And just like that my boredom threshold has been reached and I am lazy to write anymore. Sorry. I have a few more thoughts up my sleeve which I will share with you shortly, but for now I have a Facebook storm to start.<br /><br />Watch this space.dramaqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140014490372934069noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1631725528322171731.post-45857708981054338902011-03-23T23:54:00.000-07:002016-07-18T00:32:14.483-07:00Making Babies<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:officedocumentsettings> <o:allowpng/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> <w:lidthemeother>EN-GB</w:LidThemeOther> <w:lidthemeasian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:lidthemecomplexscript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:compatibility> 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Just the other day, an aunt was pestering me for the umpteenth time, in that way that Sri Lankans who have no other business to poke their noses into but yours do, to marry and have children. Not even eventually, mind you. QUICKLY. Because my biological clock is ticking its way to its death, said she. Because she needed to see me rocking a child in my arms or she would DIE. </div>
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I’ve reached a point where demands of this nature have ceased to get under my skin. You come to a point where you become immune to people’s silly notions that one must live by ridiculous norms. </div>
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But, like every woman is wont to do, this lady wouldn’t shoosh. For the sake of some quiet, I dabbled with my font of excuses that I usually mete out to annoying, uninvited personal advisors. Then I decided not to go down the tried and tested route of laughing at the thought of a piece of paper validating your commitment to someone, or putting on a superficial pageant for the sake of relatives who want to show off their latest sari acquisitions. All in favour of giving up your identity and independence in order to breed and run behind a whining, hairless HUMAN who does nothing but poop and opinionate.</div>
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I decided instead to present some hard-core facts to this clearly ignorant female.</div>
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“Look, aunty...” said I, trying very hard to mask my annoyance, “I refuse to drop babies on order because –</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "symbol";"><span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span>Elephants in this country have no space to live anymore. To make room for the planet, we need to drastically reduce the number of humans. I advocate mass sterilization of women, therefore, and not impregnation.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "symbol";"><span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span>There are plenty of children who are brought onto this earth and neglected or thrown away. Why not just parent them instead?</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "symbol";"></span>Neither my body nor I are willing to undergo mind-fucking pain to squeeze something the size of a large watermelon out and thereafter suffer the saggy aftermath for the rest of my life. God knows I’m flabulous enough.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "symbol";"></span>Global temperatures are in an accelerated rise. The best of scientists have reported that in the next 15 years, the ice caps will melt and raise ocean levels by as much as 20 feet. Much of the world as we know it will drown.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "symbol";"><span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span>Have you seen the news? Everybody’s fighting with everybody else. The Gadaffis and Rajapakses of this world are here to stay. If the planet doesn’t destroy itself, then these buggers surely will.</li>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: "symbol";"></span><br />
<ul>
<li>According to reliable sources, we won’t have enough drinking water by 2020. That’s just 9 years from now.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "symbol";"><span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span>The money I earn should be used towards justice for suffering animals, not pampers and exorbitant school fees.</li>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: "symbol";"></span><br />
<ul>
<li>I’d like to see the world and make a difference before I die and I can’t do it dragging a carry cot around.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "symbol";"></span>Ragging in schools is the fad of the day. Crimes against children are at an all-time high. Perverts, paedophiles and rapists are commonality in today’s society. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Drugs and alcohol have a thumbs up from the younger generation everywhere. Already Marijuana usage laws are being passed, it’s only a matter of time before Coke has its day. Have you been to a rave party with teens? If you’re not getting high then you’re weird. Can you imagine how kiddie’s parties will be in a couple of years?</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "symbol";"><span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span>The arts are dead. Lady GAGA is what kids define as a role model these days. </li>
</ul>
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And you want me to have babies? You must be fucking kidding me.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was satisfied that I’d finally given her enough reasons to realize her own foolishness. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That was until she opened her mouth again and replied, “But you can have such CUTE babies!”</div>
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It's only a matter of time before I kill the next person who approaches this subject with me ever again. You have been warned.</div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;"></span>dramaqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140014490372934069noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1631725528322171731.post-24255519823690151212011-02-17T00:00:00.000-08:002011-02-17T03:48:34.412-08:00I Decided to Like WomenLet me give you pervs out there a second to wipe off the excited sweat before I proceed.<br /><br />Calmed down? Ok.<br /><br />As if my workload and commitments are not enough already, I went and got myself activated over a new obesession last weekend- Women.<br /><br />Please stop grinning lecherously. I promise I will burst that bubble of yours very soon.<br /><br />Whilst mulling over what dramatic onslaught to present to my long-suffering boyfriend with on that gloriously commercialized joke called Valentine's Day, it suddenly struck me that not every woman out there would be plotting and planning like I was, because not every woman out there had a boyfriend worthy of plotting about. Given that I anyway have a thing for ball busting, I'd been doing some recent reading on the issues of domestic violence in the country and was pretty horrified to learn that an estimated 60% of the country's females are victims of violence in their homes. I say 'estimated' because there is no national survey conducted yet to assess the real numbers. All they have to go by is the number of reports logged in to the police and charity organisations. So it's safe to say that the ACTUAL number is probably far higher.<br /><br />60%. SIXTY percent. That's 3 out of every 5 women. Logically, that means it could very well be your own wife, mother,sister,daughter or aunt. Or more than just one of them.<br /><br />You don't have to be female to be shocked by that statistic. You just have to be human.<br /><br />What was worse still was finding out that in most cases of domestic violence, all that's done about it is diddly squat. Either the victim is too afraid of the consequences of speaking out or her family is too ashamed to air their dirty laundry. More often than not, reports to the police (those champions of justice and paragons of virtue who do fuck-all for the betterment of society) result in the cops asking the woman what she's done to piss hubby off, and then advice her to go home and sort it out. After that, nobody cares anymore and life goes on. It only creates a minor buzz when her body is found chopped to pieces in a village well, and that too only if anyone feels like they need to alert the media.<br /><br />Apparently, the most the authorites have done towards punishing a perpetrator of domestic violence is fined him a pittance and 'tsk'ed at his naughtiness.<br /><br />Needless to say, I was incensed. I may not have had acid thrown at me, but I know what a slap on my face from someone who claims to love me feels like. I know how it all starts with a few derogatory remarks and then propels into full-blown physical acts. I also know how no matter how many people advice a perpetrator or how many apologies he makes, he's going to go back to being the same sorry bastard he always was.<br /><br />And now I'd found out that 3 out of 5 women in my country are going through the worst kind of hell imaginable at the hands of such insects. I wanted to go out there and crush every testicle in the land into a fine dust and then feed it to the fishes (I would, too, except I don't think the fish are interested). I have always thought of myself as not belonging to this pathetic race called humans, with their apathetic attitudes and selfish ways. I had to do something... anything. But what? If only I had some help in the matter.<br /><br />And then it struck me. I would get help. I could put out the statistic to everyone I knew and gather up some like-minded souls, and then together we could possibly make a noise loud enough to get the lazy-ass retards in government to put some goddamn justice system into place.<br /><br />Valentine's plans were speedily forgotten. The boyfriend would understand. I rocked to and fro like a maddened monkey trying to figure out how to get people interested until it hit me... of course... Valentine's Day! What better day on which to shock the public into realizing that, as they traipse about like blithering romantic fools buying roses and gifts, there are women out there who will receive bleeding noses and black eyes instead. Those were THEIR 'gifts of love' from their husbands. If enough people realized this, then maybe enough people would give a shit and speak up about it.<br /><br />Highly excited about the fact that I coincidentally happened to work in an industry where it's all about communication to the world, I spoke to my superiors about my idea. Could we do some work on this and get it out to the world? Could we make people care? Could we make a difference in the status quo?<br /><br />My boss thought we could. We gathered arms immediately and put together a cracking team to work out the nittygritties. We contacted an organisation that works in women's welfare and got them excited too. They came on board and gave us the support we needed to put the plan to work. We contacted venues that could host our message and danced in glee when they offered to do it for free. Then we rolled up our sleeves and tried to help women. I spent days and nights living, breathing, shitting and dreaming of any research I could get my hands on. Even though I had a few bumps on the road with certain people exploiting the cause to their advantage, others at office were nothing less than inspiring, with their positivity and kick-ass attitude. People like <a href="http://divine3.blogspot.com/">LD</a>, who weren't involved at the beginning, jumped on board voluntarily and helped with whatever support and advice they could. That in itself was awesome.<br /><br />Three days afterwards, on the morning of Valentine's Day, we launched. Displays went up in major malls in the city, showcasing the kind of 'gifts' 60% of Sri lankan women receive - knives, acid, iron chains, hammers, poles, etc. We handed out brochures on action that responsible civilians should take when witnessing domestic violence. We directed people to a facebook site that we'd set up with the objective of educating and inspiring more people to speak out against the issue. I stalked out some of the venues that day and nearly pee-ed with thrill when people starting taking notice of the displays and reading the brochures.<br /><br />That was three days ago. Today, I've got over 300 followers on the FB page. And counting.<br /><br />This morning, a friend's nephew called me. He wanted to tell me that his dad sometimes beats his mom and he always thought that was ok, because it's all he knew. After reading our brochure and educating himself on the FB page, last night during a particularly violent argument he'd called the police, his extended family, and then stood up to his dad. Although the police never came and his father wasn't taken away and punished, he had nevertheless backed off and for the first time had apologized to his mother. It was a start. The boy now wants to get more involved and be an endorser of the cause in his school.<br /><br />I have to tell you.... hearing that felt... and still feels... fucking good.<br /><br />Please do join the page and help us out. Follow 'His gift of love' on FB, or log on to <a href="http://www.facebook.com/hisgiftoflovethisvalentines">www.facebook.com/hisgiftoflovethisvalentines</a><br /><br />I don't have to be the only one bothered about this. You're a blogger... can YOU take it up too?dramaqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140014490372934069noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1631725528322171731.post-35821945858602503122011-01-25T02:45:00.000-08:002011-01-25T05:26:20.523-08:00Daydreamin'It was a hot, sunny Tuesday down Dickman's Road. A crow perched up in leafy shade squinted up at the scorching sun and decided against wasting precious energy crowing. Below, a furiously panting dog drooled noodles of saliva in the hopes that a kind soul would pass him some water, or at the very least a magnanimous cat would offer it's blood. The grass shriveled in the heat as gusts of hot wind blew dust in the face of parked cars that could fry eggs on their windscreens. <div><br /></div><div>Behind the closed doors of a centrally air-conditioned production house, within the arctic womb of an editing room, Dramaqueen had yet another hissyfit with the poor editor who had been punished into helping her put together a mundane AV presentation for a particularly snivelling client she loathed with passion. The editor had no choice but to piss in his underwear because that wretch DQ wouldn't let him so much as <i>think</i> of requesting a bathroom break until she had finished her presentation, which would only be well past midnight. He squirmed in shame as the smell of festered urine filled the room. Her ladyship's one good nostril that had survived sinusitis picked up on the wafting reek and screwed up on it's own accord. Rolling her eyes at the man in disgust she sighed a melodramatic sigh and finally permitted the crimson-faced minion to hastily escape to the bathroom. To while away her time in his absence and to avoid criticizing his clear inaptitude at bladder control, the glorious one decided to blog.</div><div><br /></div><div>Alright. So the editor didn't really piss in his pant, or may have done so without telling me, but you have to admit it was a good read and you enjoyed the mental image of a male reduced to humiliation. You sadist you.</div><div><br /></div><div>I don't even know WHY I recently professed to have missed the editing table. It must have been a lack of excuses to leave the office desk, because as dreamy as the memories of AV's gone by are, I am rudely reminded of the actual process that I went through time and time again with each one. Putting together an AV to a client's satisfaction is like taking the outer film of your eyeball off with a safety pin. No that I've tried, but I'm guessing its similar. Especially for the editor working with me. This must be his umpteenth AV with me and it can't be easy to hear my voice approaching his room for yet another go at the experience. Poor man. I will bake him a cake. </div><div><br /></div><div>Speaking of, I baked my first fondant cake recently in honour of my father's birthday. Don't bother responding with '<i>aww</i>' and '<i>you're such a great daughter</i>' like those dimwits who commented on my FB page when I put up the pictures of said cake. I am not. I did it more for me than for him. One of this year's resolutions was to learn a new craft, and google images of whimsical cakes and sugar craft caught my eye. I wanted to try it out, having already explored every other possible craft hobby. Dad's birthday provided me with the ideal opportunity and guinea pig. The bakey types who show off on YouTube made it look easy enough, modeling creative figurines out of sugar without batting an eyelid. I'm not one of them, so the entire enterprise took me a good six and a half hours of spine-aching work, with another two to clean up after myself. Whoever invented buttercream must die painfully at my hands or I won't be happy. The end result however, was not at all bad, if you like clumsy fondant cakes that look like something heavy sat on them. pieces didn't fall off and the little fondant man I'd made to resemble Dad actually looked like a man instead of the baby amoeba I expected it to turn out into. It left me quite pleased with myself like one of those new mothers who talks about their baby for the next sixteen years until it becomes a sulky ungrateful teenager whom she can't wait to disown. Hence the proud FB pictures that got me some positive response from people who I know are not the sort to be nice for the sake of it, along with an actual order for a birthday cake. That got me rather excited. I spent two days in front of the mirror, wearing an apron and wondering if I could be the next Nigella of the cake world. Whether it was to humor me or to give me something to focus my attention on other than himself, my boyfriend fed me with tantalizing thoughts of taking up the culinary world as a profession. By the third day I had named my future cafe and designed it, floor tiles and all.</div><div><br /></div><div>Then came Monday and here I am, getting on a video editor's last nerve. He's complained to me about the injustice of last-minute AV's so many times now that I am wont to tune out and go back to my sugar modeling dreams. I am seeing myself singing happy Disney songs as the woodland creatures and I dust baking powder at each other's faces and squeal with glee. I am mentally going through my repertoire and visualizing a menu of delicious gobbleables that I could whip up and serve to the world. I am thinking of the delightful t-shirts I could be fabric painting and selling off to gullible souls. There are a million things I could have been doing with myself and yet I chose advertising because it made me happy to let the creative juices flow free, but lately those juices have been canned and set aside and the tin is rusting fast. I am instead finding peace and passion in new creative outlets, culinary and otherwise that give me a bigger sense of satisfaction than producing a 30 second commercial ultimately directed by a client. The workaholic in me has turned into a lazy bitching bum akin to a government clerk, waiting for the clock to strike 6 so I can whiz speedily to my craft supplies. it makes me wonder what the purpose of my existence is.</div><div><br /></div><div>This begs the question... are my AV days behind me? </div><div><br /></div><div>Well, the video editor is, anyway... back from a bathroom stint that was suspiciously too long. I shall flog him. </div><div><br /></div><div>Oh well... back to the rat race.</div><div> </div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div><br /></div><div> </div>dramaqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140014490372934069noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1631725528322171731.post-25809852763824492192011-01-13T04:28:00.000-08:002011-01-13T04:31:20.927-08:00We're Gonna Die.Given that I've earned myself (through sheer hard non-work) a reputation for being elusive, I wasn't planning on blogging for some time. I like it when I make you yearn for me and then surprise you. Like a wife of 40 years who's lost some weight and discovered Victoria's Secret. However, as all unplanned things go, inspiration struck whilst digging my nose in a parked car, waiting for my boyfriend to come out of a Time Management seminar. He was half an hour late, which I think defeats the purpose.<br /><br />Regardless, along with the booger came a sparkling new idea for an interesting post that you might want to plagiarize. Feel free.<br /><br />What with the premenstrual weather patterns these day and Colombo reaching an all time low temparature and all that, I was contemplating on that popular Mayan notion of the end of the world peeking at us from around the corner and waving hello. Even the cynics amongst you have to admit that things are a looking a tad more interesting than pure coincidence, no? Floods, temperatures, droughts... I don't have to spell it out. Even though I think I just did. Oh well.<br /><br />Anyhoo, that wasn't my point of this post. I'm not about to become yet another doomsday theorist. I was just pondering on the plight-to-be of the human race, should the planet decide on a massive spring cleaning session next year. (Not that it wouldn't be a good thing... we are the be all and end all of negative and useless life on the planet. I've always been of the thought that in order for the earth to have any joy, things need to start over and human existence needs to cease. The sooner the better. I am more than willing to wipe everyone off the face of the earth if Mother Nature wants the extra help.)<br /><br />And so I wondered, as I dug deeper into the recesses of my nostrils in search of gold, what thoughts and achievements I as an individual would be leaving behind, should I die in 2012.<br /><br />And that's how we now get on to the actual post of the day:<br /><br />If I die in 2012, I will go....<br /><br /><br />...not having gotten the chance to move out and live on my own.<br />...hoping that only us humans die off and not every other form of life that actually matters<br />...happy in the knowledge that I saved a few deserving lives in my time.<br />...with the expectation of being reborn as a cat.<br />...without telling my parents what I really think.<br />...with no money to take with me.<br />...possibly having never cut my hair as short as I always wanted to, for fear of flogging.<br />...having experienced plenty of love and plenty of heartbreak.<br />...without having ever visited that psychiatrist.<br />...knowing I was right all along about 2012.<br /><br />halfway through this post I suddenly wanted to also write down a bucket list. Thoughts of dying does that to you. Ok here goes...<br /><br />Before I die, I want to...<br /><br /><ul><li>Open up an animal shelter.</li><li>Get a tattoo</li><li>Visit the Lourve on more time </li><li>Move out</li><li>Have 9 cats, named after the planets in the solar system. Yes, yes I KNOW they defamed Pluto but I'm still rooting for it.</li><li>Master some supernatural trick and be famous for it. Mind reading or shit like that.</li><li>Find my passion</li><li>Experience a dramatic, off-the-charts romantic date</li><li>Perform (act) to an international audience</li><li>Be happy with myself</li></ul><br />Ok I got a little snotty at the end there. time to dig the nose again. Au Revoir.dramaqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140014490372934069noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1631725528322171731.post-4242003074144702092011-01-03T03:17:00.000-08:002011-01-03T03:20:41.886-08:00Annual Forecast<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Raise your hand if you managed to catch a glimpse of Christmas speeding past you like the Starship Enterprise on turbo mode, leaving your innards vibrating with the aftershock. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Me neither.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The sheer fact that it HAS passed and I'm back to procrastinating behind an office desk after an all-too-short annual leave stint is nothing short of depressing. I see no light at the end of my tunnel. I mean that metaphorically and am not referring to my anus. That's a different post.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">This post, on the other hand, is nothing but one big complaint. Leave now if you're feeling happy today. Should you choose the masochistic option of sticking around, don't say I didn't warn you and don't you dare comment with glib attempts at motivation. It's a Monday and I'm entitled to my grouchiness.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">I'm not too pleased with the yesteryear, to be honest. It just wasn't speckled with the cheerful madness that my life is usually full of. Sure, there was plenty of travelling around and the odd puppy picked up and rehomed successfully, but seeing the humour in living just seemed such a <i>task</i>. 2010 did not, for once in my life, feature any JOY worth reminiscing about.<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">I blame my parents. They are Sri Lankan, after all. So am I, and blaming parents is what we children of the soil do best when things are not satisfactory. Although, come to think of it, no one seems to be pointing any fingers at Mommy and Daddy Rajapakse, no? (I have a feeling Mervin's mum is thought about alot, however...).<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">My two were exceptionally active with the emotional blackmail last year. To say I’m going on 32 and need approval on how my hair looks is a testament to their insanity. Their skills have reached new levels in expertise and absurdity. Mother Dearest has mastered the Quivering Lower Lip to a tee and can now whip it out at the merest 'ahem'. Dad's speciality- Delusional Rants - peaked during the Christmas season and nearly drove me to homicide.<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Yes, we're a nice, quiet little family, we are. So quiet, in fact, that when we dine out together you can hear the chef’s hat pin drop into the soup, way back in the kitchens.<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">If my family is ever at the same restaurant as you, do check your soup for signs of dropped pin.<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">My resident evil aside, not everything in 2010 has been a complete disaster. I did manage to rescue and rehome 24 furry four-leggeds (I can see RD sniggering at that one), visit two new countries and learn to bake a decent cupcake. The cons outweighed, though. The least of which was my car and I careening into a wall and causing both airbags to pop out. Ah, good times. <span style=""> </span><span style=""> </span><span style=""> </span><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">I suppose I must now join the merry bandwagon and do my bit of resolutioning, no? Not that it makes a difference. Last year’s list is still waiting. But for what it’s worth, this year, I PLAN to-</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></p> <ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Find my runaway mojo</span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Change jobs – by workplace or career, whichever seems more lucrative and comes first</span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Outperform last year’s animal rescue stats</span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Move out of home</span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Get a tattoo – because really, it’s the fashionable way to rebel, innit?</span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Write a book</span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">See a new country</span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Learn to cook 10 new dishes and achieve non-toxic rating for at least one of them</span></li></ul> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: 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font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]-->dramaqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140014490372934069noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1631725528322171731.post-9607463178110255792010-12-06T21:30:00.000-08:002010-12-06T21:56:21.243-08:00Spa Spoof<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJp-frj4XlTeHLeUFfpSlt6bkHw4snLFIbS3J2eWbyT1b3ROwa5r2POSpEfU8elX50EEcKteK9Rixp1AkjeNsyYLl8aVM0fAt5Q9hGvpVSKZiKyTgrY3HMvDkE1I_-HDudMicjU_qrlC8C/s1600/embarrassed.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 233px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJp-frj4XlTeHLeUFfpSlt6bkHw4snLFIbS3J2eWbyT1b3ROwa5r2POSpEfU8elX50EEcKteK9Rixp1AkjeNsyYLl8aVM0fAt5Q9hGvpVSKZiKyTgrY3HMvDkE1I_-HDudMicjU_qrlC8C/s400/embarrassed.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5547815135609068962" border="0" /></a><br />Due to popular demand (a.k.a mild interest by RD), I’ve decided to elaborate on my spa incident.<br /><br />It amazes even me how I can manage to squeeze out utter self-humiliation at the inopportune moments. Doubtless you are dying to know what the latest fiasco was. Your wish is my command.<br /><br />As you know, I turned older a few days ago. Not something I am proud of and a process that I promise I will have a chat with the Gods about on all middle aged women’s' behalf. Or should that be 'behalves'? Never did quite figure that one out.<br /><br />My boyfriend, knowing quite well by now how much wrath would be unleashed on him if he didn't make me feel as pampered as possible on the momentous occasion of my birthday, did justice to his role of sensitive, considerate male and booked me a session at a leading spa in town for a full body massage. He's a perceptive fellow, my boy. Always knows what a woman wants, to the point that I should be worried about closet homosexuality. But I'm not. I've seen the way he pales and shrinks away when gay guys make passes at him. It's smirk-worthy, really. Even men like my boy. Hurrah.<br /><br />Digression is a sign of the ageing mind. Bear with me.<br /><br />So, armed to the teeth with enthusiasm, the boy and I took to the spa. I insisted he come and sit outside like a good chaperone, lest I was uncomfortable with any of the procedures. One never knows, especially when one has never HAD a full body massage before. Like the good chap he is, he didn't protest (it was my birthday, so he wasn't allowed to anyway) and came with a book that would help him look learned rather than bored out of his mind.<br /><br />A charming young lady with a flower in her hair (all part of the spa look) escorted me to a room with a massage bed and closed the door, almost sinisterly. I began feeling nervous. What if she took a hot rock to my head?<br /><br />She didn't.<br /><br />She merely passed me a packeted face towel. One of those rolled up tissuey thingies wrapped in plastic that you get on planes. I whipped it out of the polythene wrapping and began dabbing my face with it, still rolled up. It was neither moist nor warm. Just tissue. Perhaps then, I mused, it was just a paper napkin to wipe off any excess oil on my face. I rubbed harden along the ridges of my nose. I noticed the girl staring at me so I stopped to inquire why.<br /><br />"You need to wear that, ma’am" she said, ever so politely.<br /><br />Wear? I inspected the roll in my hands. Ahhh... there it was... a little rubber hemline. It was a SHOWER CAP, I realized They must want me to cover my hair so as to protect it from any balms or oils they'd be using. Without giving much further thought to the matter, I quickly strapped the gathered opening of the cap around my head.<br /><br />Now the woman was laughing at me. Was she insane? I frowned at her. Surely, spa people should behave better. In between sniggering hiccups she informed me, "ma'am... that's a panty. You wear it on your body."<br /><br />I stared at her, feeling blood, pus and horror seeping into my face. I slowly took of the shower cap, and lo and behold, there was paper underwear in my hand.<br /><br />I mustered up dignity and gave the girl a baleful look. In case she didn't realize, I coldly informed her, I was a decent person. I was already WEARING underwear. Really... did she think I walked around commando?<br /><br />She didn't look apologetic enough. Rather, she explained to me that the paper-wear was a way to protect my actual underwear from the massage oils.<br /><br />Oh.<br /><br />I see.<br /><br />To add insult to injured ego, she amusedly asked me if I had ever BEEN to a spa before. Godayata magic moment. I hoped my withering glare was enough to silence her. She left the room still giggling as I undressed, put on the wretched tissue over my under garments and hastily covered myself up in the large towel provided so that she couldn't catch a peek at my wobbly bits. After a certain age, you don't want to be showing your tum and bum off to anyone. Not even spa girls who snigger at you.<br /><br />I poked my head into the convenient hole in the massage bed and pretended to be asleep when the woman returned.<br /><br />To her credit, I must say the massage itself was heavenly. I couldn't help but forget my embarrassment with the panty episode and sink into the sheer bliss of the experience. That is, until I managed my next faux pa.<br /><br />I'd eaten some birthday achcharu just before coming to the spa, you see (That's spicy pickle for you foreigners out there). By default achcharu gives me gas. Perhaps I should have thought twice before I ate a whole bowl. In my defense, how was I to KNOW this woman would start kneading my stomach and kidneys like dough??<br /><br />Do I need to spell out what happened? I'm sure you would have figured it out by now.<br /><br />Let’s just say that post tummy kneading moment, I was redder in the face than the burgundy towel she’d wrapped me in, and she was choking for fresh air. This situation needed PR. I did what any person of decent breeding would do. I continued to pretend I was sleeping, whilst calling my boyfriend all sorts of names in my mind for ever thinking of a spa voucher as a birthday gift. He should have known better. I silently swore to make him pay.<br /><br />The girl didn’t touch my stomach after that. Every time I felt her fingers get close, they would hesitate and quickly scuttle back to my legs or arms. Half an hour later she was done and I was almost ready to forget the whole flatulence episode and give a good tip for such heavenly service when she carried in a tray of tea and pointed to the moist face towel rolled on it and said ‘THAT’s for your face’ with a bad attempt at hiding a snigger.<br /><br />Hmph.<br /><br />Bitch.<br /><br />I left with my head held high and a snooty look on my face to let them know that I, their discerning customer, was not the least bit affected by all this.<br /><br />Although I don’t know if they noticed, given that I was running too fast.dramaqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140014490372934069noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1631725528322171731.post-56438132886086938962010-12-06T20:56:00.000-08:002010-12-06T21:01:23.455-08:00Grumble...OK... so not EVERY post of mine needs to entertain you. I'm having a low season, so please bear with me for wanting to take out my angst on this here little blog site. There's a reason I called it 'Hissyfits', after all.<br /><br />According to those counsellor and therapist fellows who have nothing better to do than listen to other peoples' problems, writing down your issues apparently helps you release steam and gives your heart a chance at not going into cardiac arrest. Lets see if their theory works....<br /><br />I have issues...<br /><br />...with people not willing to accept that humans are NOT the masters of the universe. What goes around comes around. Each and every one of us will pay for our actions in some form or the other. The sooner the better.<br /><br />...with the fact that I seem to be the only one who's seeing the direct co-relation between certain dire situations happening to people I know and some questionable decisions they've made in recent times. I'm not a conspiracy or paranormal theorist, but there are forces at work that humankind will never fathom and it pisses me off that no one can see or understand that.<br /><br />...with people who see animals suffering or neglected and turn the other way, just because it's 'not their problem'. You wait until the day YOU suffer. I hope you all get eaten alive as the world passes by without giving a hoot.<br /><br />...with three people with whom I work. I call them the 3 B's; the Bully, the Blonde and the complete Bitch. Usually I'm all up for a challenge, but these three just ruin the day for everyone in office. <br /><br />... with complacency and laziness. Call it my Monica complex, but it peeves me to see people slacking off and not making any efforts to improve themselves.<br /><br />... with people not willing to display affection towards those they supposedly love.<br /><br />... with the government. But then again, who doesn't?<br /><br />...with the fact that my life seems to be going nowhere. I once had plans and shitloads of dreams for where I'd be at this stage of my life. I should have been travelling the world by now. I should have been running my own company. I should have been managing an aninmal shelter. I should have been famous. What the fuck happened???<br /><br />... with parents who just don't know when to let go.<br /><br />... with trishaw drivers who think they're buse drivers, bus drivers who think they're trishaw drivers and motorcyclists who think they're God's gift to road systems.<br /><br />... with people wanting more babies. For fuck's sake grow up and look at the bigger picture. This planet doesn't NEED any more humans! you're not doing anyone or anything a service by adding another one into the population problem.<br /><br />... with China. They need to get their heads screwed on right.<br /><br />Lemme check my heart rate...<br /><br />Yep. Still ticking.dramaqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140014490372934069noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1631725528322171731.post-52541851444756422462010-12-06T03:46:00.000-08:002010-12-06T04:16:20.427-08:00Thought for the d...rest of your life.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3wvfQ2V9ZmAkOfqEU1vbM73wvnjnIHtNjAsI_kHXG59Z_EbZi6CRuEzwfIdIhR51G4a9K8ThCipfsDorm2UxGLdsdE2LqsLIjg1nDFIy1_DElTrFTWLLEYbusYjgVr2j1v1aE1RippyN9/s1600/middle_finger+copy.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 287px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3wvfQ2V9ZmAkOfqEU1vbM73wvnjnIHtNjAsI_kHXG59Z_EbZi6CRuEzwfIdIhR51G4a9K8ThCipfsDorm2UxGLdsdE2LqsLIjg1nDFIy1_DElTrFTWLLEYbusYjgVr2j1v1aE1RippyN9/s400/middle_finger+copy.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5547541773157008034" border="0" /></a><br />To you who simpers about human suffering-<br /><br />Look around you. Take stock of everything we, the humans, have done. We've spent the better part of every millennium of our existence destroying everything around us and causing the earth to suffer. We've made sure to place our dirty, corrupted, rotten thumbprint on every square inch of this beautiful planet and inflict pain and suffering on everything that breathes. We've done everything we can to push nature into utter devastation.<br /><br />And you're COMPLAINING that the God and the universe are fighting back?<br /><br />Fuck you.dramaqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140014490372934069noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1631725528322171731.post-86050990846385796142010-12-06T03:40:00.000-08:002010-12-06T04:20:52.838-08:00An Ordinary RambleI'm wet.<br /><br />I could have meant that in many ways, but alas, much to your dismay, I meant soaked by rain. Stop getting so excited.<br /><br />This weather is a right royal moody bastard and there's no telling what it wants to do next. Do you suppose the Gods get a sadistic pleasure out of watching me get drenched to the bone on the one day I wear my brand new jeans and classy high heels to work? I don't even know why I did that...just felt sex and the city-ish this morning and decided on turning some heads. Well, ok... it didn't turn any heads... but my dog looked mildly interested, but only because he wanted to chew on the shoes.<br /><br />Either way, there's nothing left to look at, thanks to the heavenly watering can.<br /><br />So much has happened since I wrote last and yet life remains the same. The more time goes by, the more I'm starting to hate my job. Not the actual work or the industry... just the place I work for and the systems therein. Certain cretins in management, blondes in control of the workflow, political finger-pointing and mediocre attitudes have all accumulated to making it one bad deal for me, so much so that I've given up heaps of my normal life (including updating this blog regularly) just to manage the ridiculous state of affairs. Next year, I'm going to get out of here if nothing's changed for the better.<br /><br />That's your cue to offer me a paying job - you who runs an animal welfare organization or an advertising firm. You who runs a bank are also welcome to offer me lots of money.<br /><br />In the meantime, let me give you the quickfire low-down on life as I know it. Just in case you're interested.<br /><br />I had another birthday. Yay. Not. Amongst all the lovely things he did for me, my long-suffering boyfriend gifted me a posh spa voucher for a full body ritual. Big mistake. I can now proudly say that I have farted in the face of a perplexed masseuse as she pressed my stomach. Beware, all ye other spas I may enter in future.<br /><br />Hopped over to Singapore for a workshop/festival thingamy. I love Singapore. I could live at the zoo. My mother would agree with me.<br /><br />I went to India on work. Except for the work bit, it wasn't too bad, considering it was the better part of Mumbai and there was much shopping and good eating to be done. Needless to say I managed to make my presence felt and nearly got thrown out of my hotel for wanting to shelter street dogs from Diwali fireworks.<br /><br />I visited Malaysia on an all-too-short holiday. Quite the adventure. Especially the bit where the hotel fire alarm went off at 2 am and I ran down the fire exit amongst a sea of shrieking Chinese schoolgirls who were sharing my floor (they can be EXTREMELY loud), only to be informed that the hotel was fogging for mozzies. Apart from that, it was two tiring-but-exhilarating days of theme park rides, ice skating, shopping, eating and learning to master the monorail system.<br /><br />I kidnapped 8 puppies from a plot of serpent-infested land I found them in. Five of them went to excellent homes. Three of them continue to give my cats headaches. Want one?<br /><br />I lost a few. Pounds as well as brain cells. La la la. Come Christmas, it'll all be back.<br /><br />I know, I know.... this post ain't funny or interesting. I can do better.dramaqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140014490372934069noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1631725528322171731.post-23187511638615344222010-09-01T23:58:00.001-07:002010-09-02T00:54:36.158-07:00You Live and You LearnIt makes complete sense that the only time I want to talk to you again is when it's my birthday, doesn't it? (That's your cue to start posting birthday wishes. Money is also welcome.)<br /><br />I am shameless that way.<br /><br />Ironic, that my last post has a title well worthy of today. Do you suppose it's some accumulated psychic ability; to know that I would not be posting after the 29th July and the next one would be on my birthday, therefore the post would have a title directly reflecting the next post to come?<br /><br />Of course I'm not making any sense, you twat. I'm OLD now. So I'm just going to say what everyone feels but no one has the balls to say when they reach any birthday beyond 25... FUCK the human body clock!<br /><br />Phoo. That felt good. I've been depressed ever since I performed a massive bat-wing flap session at the mirror this morning. Even the cat was frightened.<br /><br />Now, given that I am 31 and therefore old enough to pontificate at you, I thought I'd take this opportunity to pass on pearls of wisdom collected over the last 31 years, just in case you're stupider than I am and could learn a few things from my advice.<br /><br />Thus, without further ado (what exactly IS 'ado'??), I give you my list of<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">31 Lessons in Life.</span><br /><br />Thought that was a grand title. Not too pompous sounding and not to poety... just right to get the general gist across.<br /><br />Ok. Over the last 31 years I have learned that....<br /><br /><ol><li>Every moment of your life is precious, in that it will bring you sufficient popularity as the village retard when you reminisce at dinner parties later on.</li><li>Cellulite will come. If you are over 30 and possess that unbelievably hot, toned body that hasn't even heard of flab ("fla-who??"), then it's because some plastic surgeon out there helped you. Don't think I don't know.<br /></li><li>You cannot put your hand into your pants intending to pull out an ant on your inner thigh, without being seen and thereafter labeled as a pervert.</li><li>Fairy tales don't and won't exist unless you nag them to.</li><li>If you're born a female in South Asia, then your whole life will be a lost cause.</li><li>You aren't as sexy as you or your pets think you are. The skin-tight pants are a mistake.<br /></li><li>The perfect man is, in fact, quite gay. There's a close second but he's taken. By me. Smirk.<br /></li><li>You should NEVER eat your own poop. Even if you're just 2.<br /></li><li>That bull your mother fed you in your tweens about sex being the gateway to hell is nothing but a tactical covert mission to give you and future partners a serious complex for life.</li><li>You will become your mother sooner than you think.</li><li>There is no life worth living without animals.<br /></li><li>No matter how much and for how long you assert your femininity to the world, someone will always send you an email begging you to buy Viagra.</li><li>The Viagra they sell online is fake.</li><li>People don't like women with a mind of their own. But who cares?<br /></li><li>No matter how much you love your job or how good you are doing it, there's someone out there who wants to screw you over.</li><li>If you build it, they will come. Never mind that it's a bunch of termites. </li><li>Asking your hairdresser to decide will be your biggest mistake yet.</li><li>The grass IS, in fact, greener on the other side.<br /></li><li>There are people out there who will actually read your blog.<br /></li><li>Industrial glue is not to be toyed with and should never be used as a facial product.</li><li>Farts tend to announce themselves at the most inopportune times. Often in front of top-calibre people you're trying to impress.<br /></li><li>Somewhere out there is someone who is sniggering at your sorry ass.</li><li>Diamonds are not a girl's best friend. A cat is.</li><li>I am not normal by social definition and that's ok.</li><li>Puke green is no-one's colour.<br /></li><li>When you try to think of 31 lessons you've learnt in life, you will struggle by the time you hit 25 and realize you've learnt nothing.<br /></li><li>The best way to mask you rage or sorrow is with a joke, a sarcastic comment or murder.</li><li>Women really CAN'T be understood. Who'd have thunk.</li><li>The toilet roll will always be over only when you go to the loo.</li><li>Green hair dye is for the mentally challenged.</li><li>The dog understands you more than most people do.<br /></li></ol>I hope you've learnt something.dramaqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140014490372934069noreply@blogger.com7