Wednesday, September 1, 2010

You Live and You Learn

It makes complete sense that the only time I want to talk to you again is when it's my birthday, doesn't it? (That's your cue to start posting birthday wishes. Money is also welcome.)

I am shameless that way.

Ironic, that my last post has a title well worthy of today. Do you suppose it's some accumulated psychic ability; to know that I would not be posting after the 29th July and the next one would be on my birthday, therefore the post would have a title directly reflecting the next post to come?

Of course I'm not making any sense, you twat. I'm OLD now. So I'm just going to say what everyone feels but no one has the balls to say when they reach any birthday beyond 25... FUCK the human body clock!

Phoo. That felt good. I've been depressed ever since I performed a massive bat-wing flap session at the mirror this morning. Even the cat was frightened.

Now, given that I am 31 and therefore old enough to pontificate at you, I thought I'd take this opportunity to pass on pearls of wisdom collected over the last 31 years, just in case you're stupider than I am and could learn a few things from my advice.

Thus, without further ado (what exactly IS 'ado'??), I give you my list of

31 Lessons in Life.

Thought that was a grand title. Not too pompous sounding and not to poety... just right to get the general gist across.

Ok. Over the last 31 years I have learned that....

  1. Every moment of your life is precious, in that it will bring you sufficient popularity as the village retard when you reminisce at dinner parties later on.
  2. Cellulite will come. If you are over 30 and possess that unbelievably hot, toned body that hasn't even heard of flab ("fla-who??"), then it's because some plastic surgeon out there helped you. Don't think I don't know.
  3. You cannot put your hand into your pants intending to pull out an ant on your inner thigh, without being seen and thereafter labeled as a pervert.
  4. Fairy tales don't and won't exist unless you nag them to.
  5. If you're born a female in South Asia, then your whole life will be a lost cause.
  6. You aren't as sexy as you or your pets think you are. The skin-tight pants are a mistake.
  7. The perfect man is, in fact, quite gay. There's a close second but he's taken. By me. Smirk.
  8. You should NEVER eat your own poop. Even if you're just 2.
  9. That bull your mother fed you in your tweens about sex being the gateway to hell is nothing but a tactical covert mission to give you and future partners a serious complex for life.
  10. You will become your mother sooner than you think.
  11. There is no life worth living without animals.
  12. No matter how much and for how long you assert your femininity to the world, someone will always send you an email begging you to buy Viagra.
  13. The Viagra they sell online is fake.
  14. People don't like women with a mind of their own. But who cares?
  15. No matter how much you love your job or how good you are doing it, there's someone out there who wants to screw you over.
  16. If you build it, they will come. Never mind that it's a bunch of termites.
  17. Asking your hairdresser to decide will be your biggest mistake yet.
  18. The grass IS, in fact, greener on the other side.
  19. There are people out there who will actually read your blog.
  20. Industrial glue is not to be toyed with and should never be used as a facial product.
  21. Farts tend to announce themselves at the most inopportune times. Often in front of top-calibre people you're trying to impress.
  22. Somewhere out there is someone who is sniggering at your sorry ass.
  23. Diamonds are not a girl's best friend. A cat is.
  24. I am not normal by social definition and that's ok.
  25. Puke green is no-one's colour.
  26. When you try to think of 31 lessons you've learnt in life, you will struggle by the time you hit 25 and realize you've learnt nothing.
  27. The best way to mask you rage or sorrow is with a joke, a sarcastic comment or murder.
  28. Women really CAN'T be understood. Who'd have thunk.
  29. The toilet roll will always be over only when you go to the loo.
  30. Green hair dye is for the mentally challenged.
  31. The dog understands you more than most people do.
I hope you've learnt something.