Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Making Babies

Just the other day, an aunt was pestering me for the umpteenth time, in that way that Sri Lankans who have no other business to poke their noses into but yours do, to marry and have children. Not even eventually, mind you. QUICKLY. Because my biological clock is ticking its way to its death, said she. Because she needed to see me rocking a child in my arms or she would DIE.
I’ve reached a point where demands of this nature have ceased to get under my skin. You come to a point where you become immune to people’s silly notions that one must live by ridiculous norms.
But, like every woman is wont to do, this lady wouldn’t shoosh. For the sake of some quiet, I dabbled with my font of excuses that I usually mete out to annoying, uninvited personal advisors. Then I decided not to go down the tried and tested route of laughing at the thought of a piece of paper validating your commitment to someone, or putting on a superficial pageant for the sake of relatives who want to show off their latest sari acquisitions. All in favour of giving up your identity and independence in order to breed and run behind a whining, hairless HUMAN who does nothing but poop and opinionate.
I decided instead to present some hard-core facts to this clearly ignorant female.
“Look, aunty...” said I, trying very hard to mask my annoyance, “I refuse to drop babies on order because –
  • Elephants in this country have no space to live anymore. To make room for the planet, we need to drastically reduce the number of humans. I advocate mass sterilization of women, therefore, and not impregnation.
  • There are plenty of children who are brought onto this earth and neglected or thrown away. Why not just parent them instead?
  • Neither my body nor I are willing to undergo mind-fucking pain to squeeze something the size of a large watermelon out and thereafter suffer the saggy aftermath for the rest of my life. God knows I’m flabulous enough.
  • Global temperatures are in an accelerated rise. The best of scientists have reported that in the next 15 years, the ice caps will melt and raise ocean levels by as much as 20 feet. Much of the world as we know it will drown.
  • Have you seen the news? Everybody’s fighting with everybody else. The Gadaffis and Rajapakses of this world are here to stay. If the planet doesn’t destroy itself, then these buggers surely will.

  • According to reliable sources, we won’t have enough drinking water by 2020. That’s just 9 years from now.
  • The money I earn should be used towards justice for suffering animals, not pampers and exorbitant school fees.

  • I’d like to see the world and make a difference before I die and I can’t do it dragging a carry cot around.
  • Ragging in schools is the fad of the day. Crimes against children are at an all-time high. Perverts, paedophiles and rapists are commonality in today’s society.
  • Drugs and alcohol have a thumbs up from the younger generation everywhere. Already Marijuana usage laws are being passed, it’s only a matter of time before Coke has its day. Have you been to a rave party with teens? If you’re not getting high then you’re weird. Can you imagine how kiddie’s parties will be in a couple of years?
  • The arts are dead. Lady GAGA is what kids define as a role model these days.
And you want me to have babies? You must be fucking kidding me.”
I was satisfied that I’d finally given her enough reasons to realize her own foolishness.
That was until she opened her mouth again and replied, “But you can have such CUTE babies!”
It's only a matter of time before I kill the next person who approaches this subject with me ever again. You have been warned.