Monday, September 22, 2014

I'm Still Around

3 years since I last blogged. Halley's Comet, the Olympics, leap years and compliments about Justin Bieber have nothing on me. At least I popped around now and its the thought that counts, no?

Clearly you haven't missed me. That's ok. I didn't miss you either.

Niceties aside, I wasn't really hopping in excitement to start blogging again, but reading my last post made me realize that some of you may have assumed that the long silence was a result of me committing suicide or something. My goodness, the angst I projected! Quite proud of myself. Such passionate freedom of speech, that age and a couple of years have quelled considerably. Or is it that I have found some semblance of peace now and therefore am less aggressive? Not completely zenned, mind you, but definitely a little more passive than the younger me who wrote the previous post. The time bomb has stopped ticking, or perhaps it's just suppressed under multitude layers of reasons to be content with life... who knows, it may resurface sooner or later.

Thinks are certainly different with life. Much has taken place since 2011; tragedy, devastation, and loss found ways to co-exist with joy and hopeful new adventures. Not that you're interested, but let me bring you up to speed on some of the highlights anyway, since I like being public about myself. 

I lost my paternal grandfather two years ago - a man who made a profound impression on my life. I was his first grand-daughter and he was my first love. I suppose you could say we were the apples of each others' eyes and I have yet to get over his passing, even if it did happen over the course of 5 years as he slowly withered away following multiple strokes. My theatrical pursuits, love for dance, music, gastronomy, appreciate of the arts and general flair can all be attributed to his influence. Everyday I miss him a little bit more. In a way, delivering my final farewell in the form of a eulogy and carrying the casket at his funeral woke me up a little from my little princess slumber and I think I grew up just a tad. It was the first time I'd lost a grandparent and bereavement was a new concept to me. Handling the grief matured the maverick in me and I realized the all-too-cliché 'life is too short' philosophy.

The tragedy also brought out lots of monsters and skeletons hidden in the cupboard known as my relationship with my parents. Arguments at decibels that raised the roof both shocked my system as well as proved to be cathartic in the long run - everyone stopped hiding truths or avoiding conflict and just went for the kill, so much so that tough decisions were eventually made and I ended up having to let go of the man in my life in exchange for my total independence. Having to make a decision I wish I didn't have to make, broke me. I know for a fact that I will never truly forgive my parents for the hurt they caused in clinging onto to their misguided prejudices. Luckily, the wonderful man I love and still love understood, and to this day remains my best friend and constant support, which is a great solace. Someday, I hope we will be able to address our individual demons and reunite, but if not, at least I know there will always be a mutual love that transcends physical closeness and that comforts me. Having emotionally cut myself off the things that stressed me out has given me much of the calm and peace of mind that I so dearly craved for far too many years. My time bomb was defused! Along the way to healing I made some mistakes... ones that I will carry with me for a long time, but ones that I realize I had to make in order for me to know better and gain understanding. I made peace with the fact that I cannot ever be perfect and I will do some stupid things from time to time... all part of my learning curve.

When I learned to let go, lots of good things began to happen. Positivity has the strangest way of manifesting into wonderful experiences. I moved out of home (FINALLY) and am a proud and very excited home-owner. We will not dwell on the fact that I actually still live next door to my mother, but the wall dividing us is much needed and a welcome thing. My new home is a haven for contemplating life and the passion for home decorating and gardening have been therapeutic. For once I love going home at the end of the day. My cats, insane dogs and books provide endless entertainment and my beautifully rustic little kitchen is constantly filled with the delicious aroma of Masterchef experiments.

Outside the house, life is still a constant surprise, but I embrace it with a better attitude now. I was blessed with the good luck of scoring a sponsored trip to Broadway where I spent ten nights marveling at the best of theatre and even went backstage at two of my favourite shows to meet with the cast and get a sneak peek into production secrets. Pure magic! Back in Sri Lanka, in the last three years I had the opportunity to play three amazing lead female roles, each being a personal triumph for me. I am currently working on a reprisal of a role I almost played 12 years ago, had the production not been cancelled at the very last minute due to unavoidable circumstances. At the time, we were all scarred and broken from the unforeseen disaster. We didn't think we'd ever make peace with that chip on our shoulders but here we are, doing it bigger and better this time around, thankfully secure from something else going wrong.

Makes me realize a few things. Sometimes when stress, tragedy or heartbreak takes place, our personal trauma stops us from seeing the silver lining. Our eyes close to the possibility of recovery or promise and darkness envelopes all thought. If awareness doesn't come quickly enough, the results can be dangerous. I teetered on the cliff..I was, in my own words, an explosive about to go off. The clinical depression I was going through could have ended a lot of goods things, including my life, had I not had God's presence to open my eyes and force me to become strong again. I gave up focusing on the negatives and began an exercise to seek the positive in everything and every day. Yes, I have my off days, but for the most part, I can sense contentment creeping back in to my life and for that I am grateful.

It's true what they say. It gets better.

Here's hoping it continues to do so. Watch this space.