Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Making Babies

Just the other day, an aunt was pestering me for the umpteenth time, in that way that Sri Lankans who have no other business to poke their noses into but yours do, to marry and have children. Not even eventually, mind you. QUICKLY. Because my biological clock is ticking its way to its death, said she. Because she needed to see me rocking a child in my arms or she would DIE.
I’ve reached a point where demands of this nature have ceased to get under my skin. You come to a point where you become immune to people’s silly notions that one must live by ridiculous norms.
But, like every woman is wont to do, this lady wouldn’t shoosh. For the sake of some quiet, I dabbled with my font of excuses that I usually mete out to annoying, uninvited personal advisors. Then I decided not to go down the tried and tested route of laughing at the thought of a piece of paper validating your commitment to someone, or putting on a superficial pageant for the sake of relatives who want to show off their latest sari acquisitions. All in favour of giving up your identity and independence in order to breed and run behind a whining, hairless HUMAN who does nothing but poop and opinionate.
I decided instead to present some hard-core facts to this clearly ignorant female.
“Look, aunty...” said I, trying very hard to mask my annoyance, “I refuse to drop babies on order because –
  • Elephants in this country have no space to live anymore. To make room for the planet, we need to drastically reduce the number of humans. I advocate mass sterilization of women, therefore, and not impregnation.
  • There are plenty of children who are brought onto this earth and neglected or thrown away. Why not just parent them instead?
  • Neither my body nor I are willing to undergo mind-fucking pain to squeeze something the size of a large watermelon out and thereafter suffer the saggy aftermath for the rest of my life. God knows I’m flabulous enough.
  • Global temperatures are in an accelerated rise. The best of scientists have reported that in the next 15 years, the ice caps will melt and raise ocean levels by as much as 20 feet. Much of the world as we know it will drown.
  • Have you seen the news? Everybody’s fighting with everybody else. The Gadaffis and Rajapakses of this world are here to stay. If the planet doesn’t destroy itself, then these buggers surely will.

  • According to reliable sources, we won’t have enough drinking water by 2020. That’s just 9 years from now.
  • The money I earn should be used towards justice for suffering animals, not pampers and exorbitant school fees.

  • I’d like to see the world and make a difference before I die and I can’t do it dragging a carry cot around.
  • Ragging in schools is the fad of the day. Crimes against children are at an all-time high. Perverts, paedophiles and rapists are commonality in today’s society.
  • Drugs and alcohol have a thumbs up from the younger generation everywhere. Already Marijuana usage laws are being passed, it’s only a matter of time before Coke has its day. Have you been to a rave party with teens? If you’re not getting high then you’re weird. Can you imagine how kiddie’s parties will be in a couple of years?
  • The arts are dead. Lady GAGA is what kids define as a role model these days.
And you want me to have babies? You must be fucking kidding me.”
I was satisfied that I’d finally given her enough reasons to realize her own foolishness.
That was until she opened her mouth again and replied, “But you can have such CUTE babies!”
It's only a matter of time before I kill the next person who approaches this subject with me ever again. You have been warned.


Dee said...


Magerata said...

But nothing wrong with practicing!, I meant making them.

Lady divine said...

I can't help... but relate to this post....

oh well... if there's one thing most of our women don't know.. it's to 'zip up'!


cool it. no point getting annoyed over these silly things people say...:)

Guiding Spirit said...

Annoying relatives are never at a loss for words, are they?

Gutterflower said...

What Dee said.

Pinky said...

Lol ... i can totally relate to this too... ive actually stopped going for family functions cos they just keep asking the same crap every single time... its a vicious never ending cycle....

ABCDme said...

but the cute babies! :o how could you be so cruel as to not let the world have the benefit of your good looks being passed down through generations? What was it Shakespeare said? "From fairest creatures we desire increase that thereby Beauty's rose may never die"

dramaqueen said...

ABCDme - SHakespeare's era didn't have population issues. Don't worry, I'm not that cute.

ABCDme said...

Oh but you have to be that cute.. There's no greater critic than the Sri Lankan auntie and she thinks you'll have cute babies. :P

Charlene said...

My husband and I married and in the first 5 years I was constantly hounded "politely" about having a baby. The hounders were his mother and 4 sisters. About year 5 on the way home from a visit I told him I guess he should just divorce me because I wasn't getting pregnant. We had never not once used birth control. He told me he love me and not to worry.

The subject was never brought up again and we never had children, though we wanted them. I know he spoke to his mother and sisters and told them to stop it.

When he did that I fell so madly in love with him that we were never apart the rest of his life not even for a night. We were a team; us against the world!

I like your logical approach to the problem.

Casea said...

I get that you don't want to introduce a child into a world that is seemingly going down the drain. That has always been something my dad tells me to keep in mind. (at like the age of 16 too)
But I think that parents and family members and even friends expect it of you not because the natural need to procreate or even cultural expectations. I think they do it because they know that it doesn't matter how shitty the world will turn out to be, those children will make every day of it better for you.

I liked the part where she said you would make cute babies. Always positive to hear :)