Hissyfits: Art, Food and Whores

Yoohoo... I'm baaaack.

Just returned from one week of madness and mayhem in Pattaya, Thailand, to where I was shipped off with a teammate for the 'Young Lotus' Competition at Adfest 2008.

We didn't win. Cue collective 'aww'.

But that's not to say we didn't have a rollicking time either - some of us more than others. After 7 days of all things Pattaya, I am a changed woman. I now have a new respect for the Thai people... I've heard of tolerance being taught in the Buddhist doctrines, but those Thais take the cake when it comes to accepting all mannerisms of life, including the very un-buddhist sex industry that's booming like an overpopulated beehive. More to cum on THAT subject...

But lets begin at the beginning, and instead of boring you with the long-haul version, here's my trip-list:

I learnt Thai. I can just about manage to say 'hello', 'please', 'my name is...', 'thank you' and 'how much?' in the language, without having to entertain an audience of Thai folk rolling on the floor holding their bellies in a state of mirth.

I learnt that my name should never be mentioned in Thailand, due it also being (very ironically) the Thai word for 'sexual fun'. I now know that the looks of curious amusement I got were attributable to me introducing myself with "Hello I am sexual fun". In PATTAYA, out of all goddamn places.

I ate too much. The food is too good. 'Nuff said.

There is an art to bargaining with anyone who provides an product or service in Thailand. I have now perfected that art, and managed to amaze even the Thais themselves with my powers of persuasion.

Thai massages are not for the weak of heart. Be warned. They will make you fall asleep with some superb tenchniques before making your spinal cord go to hell and back. There will be at least an hour following this massage where you will feel like the proverbial rubber band. I learned that my body can move in directions I never thought possible.

Walking Street in Pattaya is so openly taboo that your mind numbs to it's sleaziness within five minutes of being there. I saw hookers of all shapes and sizes dry-humping the european geriatrics who unashamedly bought their services for the night. My favourite was the withered old man who tried to playfully bite his purchase on her arm, only to leave his dentures hanging out. It was by far the most sickening and yet most hilarious thing I have ever witnessed.