Ostrich

Recently a colleague told me how lucky she thought I was. With a job like mine, a relationship like mine, my talents, my abuse-free family life.... that I must be a very happy person.

She couldn't be further from the truth.

With everything I've done, I have never had one particular thing in my life that I constantly yearn for - control. I know alot of Sri lankan girls will agreed with me. We are bred like cows for slaughter. You are born into expectations that you have no choice but to fullfill, for fear of ostracism from your family and society; to have artistic skills, to win school prizes, to secure admirable jobs more suited for your gender, to marry into the wealthiest possible find, to breed like a rabbit, to sacrifice the rest of your life, independance and individuality for the sake of your children and husband and to die a 'good, socially charitable lady'.

Under the guise of a happy, chirpy little girl, you are brought up in a life of invisible chains
There's a common misconception that when you have a life like mine, you want for nothing. Far from it. My entire life has been about the pressure of achieving. From birth, I've been brought up to believe that nothing is good enough, and every success I have just ups the bar to do more next time around. I've lived in a constant state of satisfying expectations to the point where I myself have come to adopt that attitude and know nothing else. That can be a pretty terrifying place to be in... to have an entire life of wanting more and never being satisfied, or knowing that if you settle, you let down a barrage of people called your family, who want more from you and have more or less sacrificed their lives to let you have the chance.

The older you get, the more depressing it becomes to deal with all of it. Thus far I've managed to accustom myself to the endless nagging and bullying from jobless aunts and suchlike on what they believe is my inevitable marriage and motherhood. But you get sick of it at one point.... and all you want to do is jump off a building in the hope that killing yourself will rid you of the endless 'advice' on social norms and practices.

On invitation, I recently accompanied the BF to a family lunch, where my head nearly snapped in nervous alarm on the two occasions that his uncle called me 'the fiancée' and the 'in-law'. I'm NOT a fiancée... I'm NOT an in-law... Am I supposed to be one? I don't WANT to be one. Does that make me a bad person?

The incident got me thinking.. and wondering where my life is headed, and how all these years I've been under the notion that I am in control of it, whereas I'm really not. Yeah sure... on the outside, I'm a girl who's done alot with herself... and seems pretty lucky and together... but inside, I'm just screaming for help and for a way out of what other people think is the 'great life'. Every decision I take will affect the people I care about in one way or the other, which will in turn affect me and keep me up at night, wondering if I did the right thing.

• Home. I've been wanting to move out and live on my own for YEARS. Partly to escape the clausterphobia of having my every move scrutinized and objected to, and partly because I want my own place. But if I do make that move out of my gate, I'll have to undergo many more years of guilt for leaving my mum, not to mention be stoned for even thinking of doing such a heathen thing when no female of good standing should be seen out of their bathrooms without a protective parent or husband.
  

• Career. It should have been either Veterinary school or Egyptology. But fate took a different turn and I ended up in advertising. I do enjoy it tremendously to the point of workaholism sometimes... but it's not Egypt or animals... so it doesn't feel like I've 'made it', regardless of how much money I get. Theres always a part of me wondering 'what if', and wanting change. But change comes at the risk of uncertainty and failure. There's a million things I want to do with my life in terms of career... photography, professional theatre, dance... but I'm scared to try any of it in case I lose it all in the process.
  

• Relationship. On all accounts he's the most wonderful person I've ever met, and he loves me with every fibre of his being. Any woman would kill to have a guy who is as sweet and attentive as he is... especially someone with the patience of Joab. But yours truly, as usual, just cannot feel even remotedly satisfied. It's the shittiest thing in the world to KNOW how much of a bitch you actually are for wanting more than what great things you've already got.
  

I shouldn't have to be feeling this way at 28 goddamn years old. I should know where I'm headed.

Something's wrong.... I feel completely detatched and dead... like my soul is searching for something and sensing that I should be somewhere else, whilst watching my body go through the motions of life. I'm disconnected from the present... unsatisfied and restless. It just doesn't feel right.

I feel like a bird...wingless and trying to escape. Like an ostrich, where the only thing I CAN do is poke my head in a mound of sand and ignore it, hoping it'll go away.

Do I sound like a spoiled bitch? Of course I do... because I should be grateful for everything I have, because so few have what I do. But that's exactly it... My life feels so fucked up because my mind is the most fucked up one I know. I can never be happy... I will always want 'something else', and 'something more', and that will be the way I will live out the rest of life. Unhappy. Unfulfilled.

I don't know why I feel the need to suddenly share my life story with a million strangers around the world on this blog... maybe I'm trying to find others like me.

AM I the only person to feel this way?