' They say marriage is an institution.
Who wants to be in an institution?!?'
- Old joke
Had another joust with family members on my lifepath again. These people can never give up... if they could apply the same tenacity towards minding their own business as much as they do mine, we'd all be a much happier bunch.
Having bourne a good many years of this horse doodoo, I've near given up on trying to explain that perhaps I might have a plan for myself too, and it's not just them.
If you're the average Sri Lankan female, you'll understand what I'm going on about. If you're not , here's a clue - I'm 28, female, Sri Lankan, and unmarried. And this last status is deemed absurd by my society's standards, paving the way to many an argument in family circles.
I am not single (for the more speculative of you). I just choose to have a boyfriend as opposed to a husband, for reasons clear and relevant to me alone. There's no point in me defending my decision to live life this way with a multitude of explanatory bullet points because, dammit, I just shouldn't HAVE to! To each his own, I believe, and I have my views on the matter just as much as the next person. Honestly, it boggles the mind as to why people in this country just cannot fathom the idea of a woman my age wanting to remain independant of institutionalized and documented commitment... and even if they can't fathom it, so what? It ain't their beeswax anyway. The conventional definition of this thing called 'marriage' is just NOT for me, and the idea never really appealed to me either, for whatever reason.
Yes, sometimes I feel for the man who's chosen to be with me, because, being the stubborn opiniated creature that I am, his life is that much more difficult as a result of this rule I've applied to myself. But then again, I've always made it crystal clear from the inception that this is my personal choice, and that I do not expect anyone to agree with it, or stay with me if they seek otherwise.
That's not to say I suffer from commitment phobia. On the contrary, I'm the kind of girl who's very much into long-term relationships and fidelity unto death. I just have my own methods, and it doesn't involve me signing a piece of paper to prove my word, and dressing up like the chinese new year for the benefit of a social norm. As much as others can't understand me, I find it difficult to grasp that matters of the heart need to be documented in order to be deemed correct. Pah. A commitment, to me, needs just two things. His sincere promise and mine. If two idnividuals choose to be faithful to each other for however long the universe determines they should be, then no pomp, pagentry and official pronouncement should be required to validate those promises.
For all my gas, I may very well change my song in the years to come, and I don't dispute that. There's a good chance that one fine day I'll be a fat housewife with a gaggle of children hanging on my stained apron strings... but not today. Today, I'm enjoying my independance, whilst at the same time basking in a healthy romance. Ideally, any developments in my love-life would entail a mutual agreement to live together, sans the legal procedures. But it'll be a cold day in a hell of pig-filled skies before the rest of my environment gets with my preferences.
But I will fight on. Someday (and soon, I hope), I will have a place of my own, and fill it with cats, dogs, frogs and the man who wants to be with me under those circumstances.
For now, I'm putting up with the family's pontifications....
Who wants to be in an institution?!?'
- Old joke
Had another joust with family members on my lifepath again. These people can never give up... if they could apply the same tenacity towards minding their own business as much as they do mine, we'd all be a much happier bunch.
Having bourne a good many years of this horse doodoo, I've near given up on trying to explain that perhaps I might have a plan for myself too, and it's not just them.
If you're the average Sri Lankan female, you'll understand what I'm going on about. If you're not , here's a clue - I'm 28, female, Sri Lankan, and unmarried. And this last status is deemed absurd by my society's standards, paving the way to many an argument in family circles.
I am not single (for the more speculative of you). I just choose to have a boyfriend as opposed to a husband, for reasons clear and relevant to me alone. There's no point in me defending my decision to live life this way with a multitude of explanatory bullet points because, dammit, I just shouldn't HAVE to! To each his own, I believe, and I have my views on the matter just as much as the next person. Honestly, it boggles the mind as to why people in this country just cannot fathom the idea of a woman my age wanting to remain independant of institutionalized and documented commitment... and even if they can't fathom it, so what? It ain't their beeswax anyway. The conventional definition of this thing called 'marriage' is just NOT for me, and the idea never really appealed to me either, for whatever reason.
Yes, sometimes I feel for the man who's chosen to be with me, because, being the stubborn opiniated creature that I am, his life is that much more difficult as a result of this rule I've applied to myself. But then again, I've always made it crystal clear from the inception that this is my personal choice, and that I do not expect anyone to agree with it, or stay with me if they seek otherwise.
That's not to say I suffer from commitment phobia. On the contrary, I'm the kind of girl who's very much into long-term relationships and fidelity unto death. I just have my own methods, and it doesn't involve me signing a piece of paper to prove my word, and dressing up like the chinese new year for the benefit of a social norm. As much as others can't understand me, I find it difficult to grasp that matters of the heart need to be documented in order to be deemed correct. Pah. A commitment, to me, needs just two things. His sincere promise and mine. If two idnividuals choose to be faithful to each other for however long the universe determines they should be, then no pomp, pagentry and official pronouncement should be required to validate those promises.
For all my gas, I may very well change my song in the years to come, and I don't dispute that. There's a good chance that one fine day I'll be a fat housewife with a gaggle of children hanging on my stained apron strings... but not today. Today, I'm enjoying my independance, whilst at the same time basking in a healthy romance. Ideally, any developments in my love-life would entail a mutual agreement to live together, sans the legal procedures. But it'll be a cold day in a hell of pig-filled skies before the rest of my environment gets with my preferences.
But I will fight on. Someday (and soon, I hope), I will have a place of my own, and fill it with cats, dogs, frogs and the man who wants to be with me under those circumstances.
For now, I'm putting up with the family's pontifications....
6 comments:
It's the way of the society, but it doesn't give them the right to butt into other peoples business. But then we SL people are notorious for that aren't we. We just cant keep our big noses out of other peoples shit :D (and then we have the nerve to complain that it's smelly).
Guys don't have much of a problem with this i guess, but i wont say that it is not there. Gals however do have a bigger problem. I guess it's all those "traditional things and society".
Not all people are suited for married life or to be parents. When it's forced the result is a lot of depressed people, divorce rates going up, spousal abuse, child abuse etc. A right royal mess.
(these are my theories not proven ones, so i claim no responsibility he he :D)
If you are happy with where you are, then why care about what other's think. Of course when the other people are the parents it does become a bit of a mess.
In Germany a female politician has proposed that a marriage contract should be for seven years and if the parties want they can renew it later. As expected it ran into a lot of opposition.
http://www.gadling.com/2007/09/25/pack-your-bags-now-germany-proposes-seven-year-limit-on-marriag/
Here's wishing you the life you want to live, surrounded by a menagerie of furballs
cheers!!!
Azrael, you hit the nail on the head and spoke my mind...
ohh nicely said!
and just as a random aside, in my environment class we were talking populations, and the prof. pulled up a slide comparing bangladeshi and SLan birth rates (this was when i started paying attention)and apparently we have a lower birth rate because our women get married at 25 as opposed to 16 in b'desh. so we should just take our time and tell our parents its for the greater good :)
Like you said... To each his own.
The sad part is that our society will probably never understand or allow the freedom that westernised countries have about two people living together first without getting hitched on paper.
In this point in mind, perhaps a move out to a new land with more liberal mindests would ease your own mind and give you what you're looking for?
In anycase, good luck with it i say, and i leave this thought with you....
We never know what'll happen come tomorrow.
Just out of curiosity, would you be okay with your kids not getting married?
And to then extend the question further, would you be okay with your kids doing whatever they want, even if that goes against your wishes as their parent?
I guess the question I am asking is whether or not you think parents should have a say in their children's lives, once their kids become old enough to make their own decisions.
You're clearly old enough to make up your own decisions (which I don't agree with, but that's irrelevant to this comment).
But I advise that instead of getting frustrated with your family trying to guide you towards their set of values, try to see things from their point of view.
You'll no doubt have kids one day too, and when they grow up, they may want to make choices that go completely against some of your beliefs and values.
Think about how you would deal with that situation, and I think it will help you with the problem you face today.
Best of luck for the future!
Anon- I won't be having kids.
BUT, if ever I DID, yes.... I would be very ok with them being their own people, despite whether or not I agree with their choices in life. I am of the firm opinion that just because we procreate, it doesn't give us ownership of the resulting beings. There's a fine line between protection and possession. Life is not to be possessed, by anyone or anything, except self.
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