Last week, I was tap tapping away with a friend on msn chat whilst pretending to work, when she asked me that dreaded question that for some reason, females in this wretched country don't seem to tire of asking.
She: So when are you going to get married?
Me: WTF? Where did that come from?
She: I mean... it's about time, no? You're getting older.
Me : So? Where does it say that my age has anything to do with whether or not I get married? I'm not interested in marriage.
She : Aiyo. I will never understand you. You should get married. It's the right thing to do.
Lets leave my response to that between me and her.
Later that evening, the boyfriend and I were shopping for a last minute birthday gift for a friend we were supposed to have dinner with. In walks a mutual pal whom we hadn't seen in a while. Thus ensued yet another typical Sri Lankan thing that I like to call the 'Way of the Cross' - moving from station to station to stand and talk for an unnecessary length of time on everything and nothing. In the midst of the senseless téte-é-téte, he decides to set off the bomb.
"So when're you two walking the plank?"
He shut up at the withering glare I gave him as response. The boyfriend went into that vague bland expression he's gotten so used to putting on at such times of crisis.
A few hours later while at the birthday dinner, I had the pleasure of choking on my hot butter cuttlefish when several friends decided to glibly pipe up.
" Here. now high time the two of you got married, ah. Hurry up!"
If I had a rupee for everytime I've heard this nonsense about marriage I swear I would have toured the world three times over by now. WHY dear Lord don't people learn to leave you alone?
Honestly, sometimes I think my relatives and friends were created just to annoy the living shit out of me.
Look... get this straight... just because an archaic society around the goddamn world thinks life as we know it would cease to be if you don't get married, does not mean I think that way too. To each his own, and MY own is the life of a happily, nay BLISSFULLY unmarried human being. Goddit?
Let me be very clear. I don't have any issues against the concept of marriage or anyone willing to sign up for that. Go ahead and have your dreamy white wedding and show off your ring to your clique. Please, by all means enjoy the feeling of losing your name and identity to take on another and then squeezing out small humans through your privates only to live out the rest of your life cleaning up after them and the bigger human who got you there. If that's what makes you happy, by all means, go ahead.
But. Do. Not. EVER. Expect. Me. To.
I have a name that I'm used to being called, and am used to knowing myself as. I refuse to change it. My name is my own... last, first... middle, all of it. MINE. You ain't taking it away from me. I also refuse to entertain the idea that to commit one's life to another means it is mandatory to sign a document. I don't need to validate my feelings by signing a piece of damned paper just so that the rest of society can be happy that I did. I am not nor will ever be interesting in breeding, and therefore don't need to worry about resulting confused offspring either.
Even if I did have kids, who cares if I wore a ring or not- it will not make me a better mother. If other children are going to give mine hell about the fact that mommy is unmarried, then I will teach my children the art of displaying their middle finger. But, as previously stated, I only hope to have cats, dogs, birds, and insects in my household so that's one less thing I need to worry about.
I have absolutely no problem in committing to a long-term relationship, neither do I see anything wrong in spending my life with another person who loves me back as much. I don't give a fuck if the rest of the neighbourhood gasps their panties off and calls it 'living in sin'; I see nothing sinful about it. I don't need to have a choir or an audience in order to pledge my fidelity to God. But humans being humans should never be naive enough to make such promises, because time and experience changes everyone. This is why an open and understanding relationship works best for all parties concerned.
No, I'm not jaded. I'm a realist.
So I beseech my aunts, uncles, parents, friends, enemies and parish priests - GET THE FUCK OFF MY BACK.
Capisce?
15 comments:
probably not :\
heh heh
i feel your pain
i get that dose too
basically the idea is not to get angry or irritated. anger leads you to the dark side etc... i actually find it funny and i've found the following statements to be quite effective:
* marriage is for ppl with relationship issues
* the sole purpose of my existence is not to propagate my species with a single female
* i'm getting laid - dont worry
* are you happier now than before you got married? no? then why are you asking me to get married?
* i cant afford to get married. would you like to make a donation?
it doesnt stop there
once you're married they give you the "about time you had kids no" dose
once you have kids then they compare pampers and baby crap
if we were animals where our sole purpose of life is to propagate our species and our social structure demands us to be married to propagate then i would agree and get married to some random female
but we're evolved intelligent beings (most of us at least... some of our great leaders are still getting there)
our sole purpose of life is not to propagate our species!
good for you. I have pretty much the same opinion on marriage as you. I'm barely 22 and I already have people asking me when I'm getting married. ridiculous.
"....then squeezing out small humans through your privates only to live out the rest of your life cleaning up after them and the bigger human who got you there...." I never thought of it that way..he...he
ahh yes.. the marriage question. I've been getting it alot lately as well.
I doubt that will change anytime soon, though i have found out that hot butter cuttlefish is a cure as good as any for any dilemma - Including taking your mind off less than favorable conversations. unless of course you choke on it while eating. .that would not be good.. or so they tell me
anyways.. your probably tired of getting tagged but i think i'll tag you anyways. This does not mean you have to write another tag post. god forbid. i'm only going to write it once. :)
TAG YOUR IT!
http://yusuf.asgerally.com/?p=164
good for you.
Marriage and you were never meant to be bedfellows thats for sure... heh
Do we ever really know ourselves, what we are capable of doing, what choices we'd make when the time comes? Probably not. But at least you can die knowing you lived ur life the way you wanted to and not by society, family, albeit boyfriend.
Do what you wanna do, when you wanna do it, and don't take crap from anyone. After all what matters is when you lay your head down to rest, if sleep comes peacefully, then your sorted right?
Good Luck!!
LOL well said :D
You might have to move to a deserted island if you want them to stop poking their noses :D
Thanks alot, dili. :p
Shehal- I haven't tried your third argument. Hah. SOunds like something my aunts would love to hear! :D
Sach, sachithvida & abracadabra - good to know I'm not the only one having heart attacks over this issue.
Doc - You're awesome and the more you tolerate my histrionics, the more thrilled I am that I found you. You rock, and are probably the only person who's ever made me question my own philosophies in life. Mwah!
Azrael - Knowing my family, I don't think even a deserted island would stop them...
Its just nuts how most Sri Lankans are so hooked on this marriage thing.
It makes much more sense to live together and see if you can handle that, before even thinking about marriage!
Lots of people would be saved a lot of heartache that way!
I think your views are quite silly.
Marriage is more than anything, a legal contract. Some people in our society take it as more - a social requirement, a relationship legitimiser, or a declaration of love - but those who view marriage as primarily being about one of these things fundamentally misunderstand the concept.
I absolutely agree that no-one needs a piece of paper in order to satisfy one's friends and/or relatives. But you will need that piece of paper if you want to have a financial relationship with your life-partner (to be legally entitled to their inheritance, to maintain joint-accounting for tax-saving purposes, to purchase assets together, etc). You will also need that piece of paper if you wish for your children to have the same financial links to you. Next, in some countries, the State may not recognise you as the legal guardian of your children if you have them without having that piece of paper. That piece of paper will also make life a lot easier if you wish to obtain a visa to travel abroad with your life-partner (although it is not a requirement to do so). The piece of paper will also make emigrating to another country with your life-partner much easier, and would make gaining citizenship much easier too.
You do not need to change your name - this is not a requirement of the marriage contract, and not a basis to reject marriage offhand. I know quite a few ladies who have kept their maiden names and not taken on a new name. (I personally think that it is stupid to ask a woman to change her name when the man can keep his as it is.)
Society may get on your nerves with this issue of marriage, but sooner or later you should accept that it is something that you will have to do. Not to satisfy anyone other than the law of the land, if you want your union to get the benefits that the State affords it.
I recall commenting on a similar post of yours like this a long time ago - I don't mean to be rude, but I think you need to grow up and smell the roses. There is a valid legal reason that people get married. There is also a reason that people tell you to get married - this is because they care about you and your welfare. One day, many years from now, you will give your children advice on an issue that you feel strongly about - be it environmental protection, the dangers of drugs, or maybe just telling them to be a good person - and they may childishly reject your views as being in conformance of "society's views". Perhaps then will you look back on how petulant and childish your current reactions were to those who only mean to wish you well.
I also would request that you think about (and perhaps blog about) what you think your life would be like had your Mum had you out of wedlock - that is, consider how your life would have turned out if you were an illegitimate child. Would you be as mentally strong as you are today, having been ostracised all your life? Indeed, would you have even been accepted into the school you went to, being illegitimate? I think that life would turn out very differently for a child who is not recognised by society or the State.
Best of luck in the future! Hope you don't get offended by my views.
Not at all, Anonymous. Thank you for your views. You are entitled to them, as I am to mine. I understand and accept all your reasoning, and it's all quite true, however is also generalised. None of your arguments apply to my life and they way I choose to live it. I never deemed the piece of paper as a redundant exercise... I only stated that I personally choose not to have anything to do with it, and don't believe in its powers.
If you feel my personal choice of not wanting to play into the hands of state or society requirements is childish and petulant then I can't help you on that one. But do not assume you are right when it comes to me and MY life.
I don't want children. Ever. Fullstop. There's no point, therefore in advising me on what's best for the kids I will never have.
I don't want anybody's inheritance, nor do I want to feed off anyone else's finances or belongings. Never did and never will. I feel uncomfortable with someone buying me dinner, let alone helping me with my taxes. I'm also currently fighting with my grandparents over assets they want to pass on to me, because I just don't WANT them. Call me weird but that's me.
I would like my 'union' to have nothing to do with the state, thank you very much. I'd much rather be it about two people enjoying each other's company rather than using the relationship for material benefits. I am more than willing to put up with bureaucracy over exploiting my marital status.
And no... marriage will never be something I will 'have to do'. Even at the risk of having to spend the rest of my life in the company of a cat. Five years from now, if I change my views, that again will be MY choice - I will WANT to do it, and not HAVE to do it. But I assure you, any change of heart I have will have absolutely nothing to do with the reasons you have presented.
My parents chose to marry. I do not. I say it again...it's a matter of personal choice and I dont think anyone- you, the state, religious institutions or my neighbour's grandmother has any right to speak on my behalf when it comes to that subject.
As much as I am not advising anyone else how they should live their lives, I would appreciate not being advised on how to live mine.
I also just read your comment on my last 'similar post'. being the petulant child that I am, i disagree with that, too.
;) http://themadcatwoman.blogspot.com/2007/11/maternal-instinct.html#comments
Did somebody say HBC? :P Sorry. Totally off topic... just had to.
As for the Marriage thing. Well my opinions are a bit different. But hell, we're not supposed to agree on everything. :)
aiyo...its this stupid culture and system men. I mean i love some aspects of it, like our values but really...'sometimes' it's SO frustrating (!!) I find myself doing completely normal things, then kill myself coz it makes me a 'bad SL girl'. Ugh. Finally beginning to accept myself as I am :) Maybe one day I'd be as comfy with myself as you are. fingers crossed :)
...sigh...
I'm happily married, so I guess I'm the exception to the 'norm' on this page...
So...
...sigh.
How good marraige can be, is actually a well-kept secret. We married ones just don't want you lot to discover just how incredible it is. And so, we do everything possible to dissuade you from marraige. We've obviously succeeded. Yay!
Please, don't tell anyone I let on.
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